What It's Like for Me

I thought I would take this opportunity while I have it because I am currently (like right now) rolling down a hill.

That's what it feels like to me. One minute I'm fine, then slowly I feel myself fall and tumble. I can tell right before I trip because I lose my temper, I become violent. I throw and break things. Then I lash out at myself. This usually involves crying while my hands scratch or pull at my body as a form of punishment. The truth is I blame myself far too often. My chest tightens while I gasp for air. This is when I start having a panic attack. My breaths are short and I try to calm my crying. My whole chest is heavy like someone is sitting on it. At this time, I avoid thinking about things. I distract myself with a book or my phone: anything that stops me from thinking. I wrap myself in blankets and avoid looking at my room. My room is a mess and the chaos amplifies the stress. I'd clean it, but I get overwhelmed and shut down.

I do that a lot, shutdown. It is my coping mechanism. When I can't handle the world around me, I shut it out and engulf myself into my own mind. If you find me zoning out or looking blankly into space, this is probably what I'm doing. I won't do school work because I can't physically get my homework out and even when I do, I can't concentrate on it.

It doesn't hurt all the time. I'm not always rolling down a hill. Frequently, I am a very happy person who is talkative, excited, and funny. But there is always this threat that I'm not quite at the top of the hill. In fact, I just pause until I fall again. 

I've always joked that I'm my own worst critic and my parents know that, but I don't think they fully understand to the extend. Really, my parents treat my depression like it's a phase. Like I feel bad for myself for a moment, but I'll get over it. I've spent my entire life trying to "get over it" but alas, here I am. It is really difficult opening up to them because whenever I have, it's usually brushed off as me "overreacting" or being "paranoid." The same thing happened when tried to explain my Dermatillomania. So now, I silently roll. 

So what pushed me down the hill today?

My college art portfolio is due in a few weeks. The school I'm applying to is super competitive and I honestly think I won't get it. But, I already sent in my application and there is no turning back. Like I said before, I am my own worst critic and I don't have a huge body of work to choose from, so I've been extra critical of myself. I've been trying to make art but I get frustrated because I can't do it. for various reasons. I'm not a very good painter and I really can't draw worth a shit. I've been forcing myself to do things because I have this idea of what the college wants and I know I'm not it, so I've been trying to mold myself into the idea. I honestly wanted to share this story with them and maybe they'd understand why my grades aren't what they should be or why my art isn't as good as it could be, but doing that makes me feel they would perceive me as weak and too unstable. I over analyze this to death, if you couldn't tell.

I stopped for a moment and looked at my blog as a whole. I've spent hours working on it's design, which is simple but, is something I did by myself and I am proud of. I checked out the My Photography tab and remembered why I wanted to apply to this school in the first place: because I am good at what I do. I am a photographer, not a painter or illustrator, but a person who captures time at the best moments. I compare myself to other people too often and I forget how quality of a person I am. 

I'm not 100% better, and I probably won't be for a long time but as long as I have the things that distract me (my photography, books, this blog), I think I'll be ok.

My mission from the start has always been to be truthful and share experience when possible. The contents of this post is part of who I am, and if one person can relate and feel comfort that they are not the only one, I have succeeded.

xo

What's Up and Coming

Being a middle class white girl, there have always been some level of expectations for me. I do have to say that I am one of the lucky ones to have the kind of parents I do. They have always encouraged me to make my own choices, make my own mistakes, and decided for myself what makes me happy. I am 17 years old and have always imagined myself going to college. Once my sister left for college, I couldn't wait to have the same experiences in my own college community. I imagined myself walking along the sides walks with the ancient brownstone university buildings as my backdrop. I anticipated dorm life and making friends based off of common interest. But now. . . I am not so sure.
It is entirely unrealistic for anyone, especially the education system, to give teenagers the idea that they must know what they want to do with their lives at 17, 18. This is what they expect from us:
Think of profession you are interested in> go to college to major in chosen profession> get a job in chosen profession when you graduate> live your live with in this profession that you spent 4+ years majoring in.
I don't know about you, but if this suppose to be my life plan I'd sooner die.
It wasn't until a week ago that it even occurred to me that I never have to go to a college or university. The mere thought had never even been considered. (Talk about American education brainwash) This moment of clarity was brought on by a large break down caused by stress from grades and school. I was on my way to track practice, but my sobbing was so overwhelming that I pulled into a church parking lot. After crying for another 15 minutes, I noticed this truck pull up in the field next to the church. I didn't really pay much attention to it until I heard a leaf blower like noise. I pulled my car around to have a better look and I saw a man getting his parasailing equipment up. I watched, mesmerized, for 20 minutes at the man who eventually got up into the air. And what I realized as I watched the parasailer was that he was doing something completely for himself and his own happiness. He didn't major in parasailing and I doubted this was his actual profession. He was doing something for his own personal benefit, something he took time to do because it was for him.
Maybe it was some sign from God, but as a parked in that churches parking lot, watching the parasailer, I felt better. Aleavedated. I talked to my parents that afternoon and they agreed that I could do what I wanted and that college was not my only choice. Honestly, I'm lucky to have parents that supportive.

So college might not be my thing, what is?
 I made a list of things I want to do, and not going to college wouldn't stop me to do those things

• Get a job downtown
• Learn French
• Travel Europe
• Write a blog
• Write a book
• Have an online store
• Studies things I am actually interested in
• Learn how to cook and bake
• Learn how to use Photoshop
• Actually create art
• Take more photos

These are things I've always wanted to do but never had the time and going to college wouldn't help it financially.  It won't be easy but at least I'd be living the way I'd want. There is so much stigma to go to college. i mentioned the idea of not going to college to a friend and they thought I was crazy. "Lillie is talking about not going to college!"

It hurt but it made me feel the full extent of peoples expectations. Yeah, overall I might not get as much money through out my life without a college degree, but I'm not saying I'll never go. Right now, I just believe I don't need a college degree and 100k in debt to do what I want with my life.

This blog will be active because it's something I want. I'm tired of doing and making this to impress a college. I want to do things for myself. Starting now.

working on it.

I have a 143 days till I have to apply to my dream college, with a art portfolio that includes 12-16 pieces of original artwork showing my talent, ability, and amount of potential. So far, I have 1 piece. It is a picture of myself I drew. It can only go up from here.

After recent grade reports as well as ap exam score, the fire as been well lit under my ass to get into college. And not just any college but quite literally my one and only. I mean, it's my only choice and its top compared to any other I've seen. The thing is, it's a rather competitive school to get into and my grades don't exactly inspire. So, I'm riding on all the extracurriculars, awards, and excellent recommendations. As well as a stellar and kick ass art portfolio. I've been going in the right direction as far as planning my portfolio out, taking art classes at the community college, and making sure all the specifics are covered. The only thing I'm missing now are some supplies and the right time. 

The right time for what? Is this just a veil to cover up that I'm are a procrastinating bitch? Maybe. I'm considering getting "don't put off tomorrow what you can do today" on my arm as a constant reminded to better myself along with "less is more" and "tights are not pants." 

Today, a family friend stopped over and I asked her about what her and her daughters experience was for getting into this school. The main message she told me was to do what you know and do the best you can. You can't make this school accept you, just put your best work out there with confidence and let everything else fall in place. I found this to be what I needed to hear; all I do is stress as to whether or not this school will except me because I have no idea and that uncertainty scares me. There is nothing more I can do but show them work I'm proud of and be my true self. I'm not competing against every other potential art student when I'm creating pieces, I'm not even competing against myself, I'm simply putting myself out there.

Until next time,
Lillie
x

Paris, My Love.

"America is my country, but Paris is my hometown."

I have always had this weird, evangelical connection to Paris.

After much thought, I feel like my first exposure to Paris was through Disney's The Aristocats, as well as Rugrats in Paris. I also saw An American in Paris at the young age of 10 on my personal DVD player. I've always had this obsession with France. Growing up wanting to be a fashion designer, I was acutely aware that I would either be living in New York or Paris to fulfill my job. I went on to see films like Marie Antoinette, Amelie, and Ratatouille that furthered this dream of being in this place. Even Mary Kate and Ashley's  provided me with many fantasies of experiencing in Paris. I mean, who wouldn't want to become BFF's with a famous model and find cute, french flower delivering boyfriends? The thing about Paris is that it is so overwhelmingly the right color. I've seen pictures with the pastels and the worn gold paints of buildings older than my own country. I see Paris as the most inspirational city.

Found on garethrussellpopular.blogspot.com

What really inspired me to write this today was that I caught the last 45 minutes of Midnight in Paris, which I've wanted to see forever. As Owen Wilson wanders around the glorious city, the only thing I can think about is going to these same places and taking pictures or water coloring a subject, and buying macarons. At the same time wearing a similar ensemble Audrey Hepburn wears in Funny Face.

Found on untappedcities.com

Is it practical for my real dream in life to wander an old city, caring my camera and some pastel balloons? Who cares. I guess I can blame magazine cover stories and perfume ads by french designers for that fantasy.

Found on hangitontheline.blogspot.com

 I feel I would find the ultimate joy in sitting in a local out door cafe, eating pastries, as a people watch and sketch in a sketchbook. Paris seems to be the place where everything is beautiful and being alone to discover this beautiful world is accepted.

Found on baristamagazine.com

I took french for three years in High School. I was terrible and I barely passed French 3, but I still have dying respect for the language I will one day be fluent. I believe their is the guaranteed rule of thumb that every word looks or sounds beautiful in French. France is so naturally beautiful and graceful, it's just driving me out of my own country. 

 

I know that one day I am destined to visit this beautiful place. I will walk the streets and hear the water and soak up the fact that many before me came to Paris looking for the same feelings. Maybe my thoughts and ideas about Paris are wrong and unoriginal, but they are mine and I must hold on to them. One day Paris will be my home.

In the mean time, I shall thrive off of French books and films to keep my sanity. These are some a reccomend:

Movies:

Marie Antoinette (2006)

Ratatouille (2009)

Paris, je'taime (2006)

Midnight in Paris (2011)

Amelie (2001)

The Valet (2006)

My Best Friend (2010)

Les Miserables (2012)

Coco Before Chanel (2009)

Books:

Unfortunately, I have read a very limited amount of books set in Paris, and trust me, I 'm working on fixing that. I only have one book.

Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins. 

Just do yourself a favor and read this book. As well as everything Stephanie Perkins writes. She is amazing. I'll probably re-read it soon, it's an absolutely amazing book and I could not recommend it enough.

Until next time

Lillie

x