Letter to My Past Self

Dear Lillie,

Firstly, I’d like to congratulate and thank you for getting this far. 

You’re currently an 18-year-old college student, which might surprise you depending on when you read this.  Secondly, I’d like to structure this letter to you in multiple parts, addressing you at different times in your life.  Without further ado, here it is.

To six year old Lillie,

Someone is going to call you fat during P.E. one day and it will have more of an impact on your life than you’d like it to, but it’s ok because you overcome it. 

The biggest lesson you learn is that people can be mean and hurtful (especially children, which has more to do with their parents than it does with them) and won’t always take the time to get to know you. My best advice is to be kind always and take the time to get to know other people. This would have helped a lot later on, but I can’t blame you. 

I would like to commend you on the way you express your personality. Looking back, I have a hard time identifying with the round little girl with headband accessorizing her middle parted hair and the L.L. Bean polo sets grandma and mom no doubt dressed you in, but I still identify with the joy and happiness in your expression and the passion you have for creativity. 

You rock who you are and nobody can fault you on that. Hold onto that, because being who you truly want to be will be a constant struggle because of other people’s influences. Stay true to who you are, even if you're not sure who that is yet.

To twelve year old Lillie,

You are a warrior. What you are going to endure at this age is amazing and looking back, I don’t know where you found the strength. You are going to be bullied, berated, made small, doubted, and you will have an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

Current you thanks you for hanging in there, because I know just how many days you didn’t want to. The next few years are going to be hard, but you will have highs to counter the lows in some aspect. You’ll find a lot of solace on the Internet where you finally feel apart of a community in some sense, although I’m sorry to say you won’t feel like that again until college, but my god is it worth the wait. Just hang in there. 

The best advice I could give you is to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with love and kindness. I know it’s hard not to believe that you are small and unworthy when people treat you that way, but the best feeling is proving them wrong and showing how significant and brilliant you really are, because you are absolutely radiant.

To fifteen year old Lillie,

Your life is a general roller coaster, but this time is really important. Congratulations for getting toxic people out of your life, because that concept will be a core idea in the way you live your life. You’ll understand so much more about yourself once you are set free by the restrictions of others, so this is a pretty awesome time in that sense. In another, you are going to feel so isolated and alone. The feeling will be constant and seemingly endless. 

The more you understand and value yourself, the more distance you feel with everyone else around you. That distance definitely shrinks, but to an extent will always be there. 

You become your own best friend and knowing who you are is a hell of a lot more important than how other people perceive you. I can’t lie, but this will be something you struggle with, pretty recently actually.  I know it can be frustrating when people perceive you in a way you don’t want to be perceived or differently from how you perceive yourself, but in the end it doesn’t actually matter what other people think. Just have your own back.

To seventeen year old Lillie,

The biggest lesson you will learn is that adults don’t have the answers you’re looking for, they don’t even have the answers to the questions you're not asking. You’ll develop what a school guidance counselor wants to call “issues with authority” when really you should be commended as a skeptic. Honestly, adults are just as fucking lost as you are most of the time. 

Politics are going to fight with you and the best thing you can do is perform your best and be happy and satisfied with your achievements. You won’t get the recognition you wanted or deserved, but honestly, as long as you know how badass you are, everyone else will see it. In the long run, a plaque and a handshake will be completely meaningless when you look back at your track career and the extreme character growth you achieved over the course of five years. It’s pretty astounding and will continue to blow you away. I really have to thank you for sticking with track, it will be one of the most rewarding things you do in college. Just in the first year, you will feel so loved and part of a group. You’ll finally get to experience so many things you dreamed about, and it’s awesome. 

Along with college, don’t stress about VCU. Deep down, you know it is a long shot, but I really commend you for setting a goal and going after it. Ending up at CNU will be a much better decision and you will fall in love the first time you step on campus. I know how much you wanted VCU, but what we want and what we need aren’t always the same thing.

To conclude this letter, I want to offer some advice to future Lillie:

To future Lillie,

Be fearless and be strong. I know you won’t be able to all the time, and that is ok, but I don’t want you to waste your life being afraid of acting or not acting. Don’t have regrets and don’t be afraid to act. The worst thing that can happen is that things don’t go as planned, but you will grow from it. The most painful experiences and mistakes are the most rewarding lessons to be learned. 

Continue to be kind to yourself, because you are worth it. Don’t fight with yourself as much as you do and recognize that there are things out of your control. 

Trust yourself and your abilities and take what people say about you with a grain of salt. Know who you are and own it.

You are good and you are worthy.

Sincerely,

Lillie

Age 18

Thank You for 2014, What’s Up 2015?

2014 was one of the best years of my so far, very short life. I turned 18 that year and for the first time, made real and true friends. 2014 was the year of the friends. The year is sort of a blur up until August 17th when I left home for college and since then, I have been the happiest I’ve ever been. There were many many points in my life where I felt I would never be this happy, times when I was so low that I didn’t think it was even possible for me to experience the joy I feel when I’m at school. 

I need to give credit to the time pre-CNU. I applied to schools this year, was rejected by VCUarts, but then contacted directly from the throwers coach at CNU when I was accepted into CNU, a place that is now my true home.

Once I chose to go to CNU, senior year became a blur of track meets and goals I needed to reach. I had my best performances in 2014 in all of my events. There are a few meets I remember in specific that really highlight my career as a track athlete. The first time I hit 120 was a stunning day at UVA and when I won Discus at Regionals really stand out to me. I qualified for Nationals, both indoor and outdoor, which was a goal of mine since I was a sophomore. I feel so much pride when  I wear my Nationals backpacks. 

I ended High School with middle fingers ablaze as I left. How the end of my season was treated by the high school track coaches left me with zero respect for either of them and the entire school as a whole. I never want to step foot into that high school again. I owe them nothing.

I spent my summer basically dreaming of CNU, I couldn’t wait to be there already.

My first semester of college went amazing. I made loads of fantastic friends that I can now call on for anything. This is something I never had in my life and honestly, its hard to see all the kids I went to high school with hang out with each other when my friends are in completely different parts of the state. But I go back home on the 3rd to start January camp the 4th and classes start the 7th. 

I killed my grades this semester. I ended with a 3.6 GPA and was on the deans list. For me, this matters so much because I never had these kinds of grades in high school. At times I was scared I wouldn’t be ok in college, maybe I was just stupid. But that GPA and all the work I put into it this past semester proves all those doubts wrong. 

I’m happy. Completely and utterly happy with my situation at CNU. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have goals for improvement (resolutions, you will), because 2014 was great, but 2015 can be better.

1. Run. I know this was on my list last year, but this time I’m dedicated to make it work. I’ll start out slow as many times as week as I can. I’m aiming for everyday in the mornings. It’s already scheduled in and I can make it work. My weight needs to be better and running will help me tremendously. 
2. Clean eating. Working with my diet by cutting out breads and processed foods will do wonders for me and I’m excited for that. I want to be strict with myself and use self control to be healthier and happier.
3. Blog more.
4. Finish re-reading the damn Harry Potter books.
5. Love myself more. I did a really good job in 2014 of being better to myself but I believe that needs to be continued
6. Be Fearless. This was a resolution last year and it is still something I need to work on. I get scared and I become afraid to do things. I still set myself to high standards and I'm really hard on myself when I don't meet my standards. I will work on being fearless and owning it. 

2015 will be the year of body positivity and self improvement. 

What It's Like for Me

I thought I would take this opportunity while I have it because I am currently (like right now) rolling down a hill.

That's what it feels like to me. One minute I'm fine, then slowly I feel myself fall and tumble. I can tell right before I trip because I lose my temper, I become violent. I throw and break things. Then I lash out at myself. This usually involves crying while my hands scratch or pull at my body as a form of punishment. The truth is I blame myself far too often. My chest tightens while I gasp for air. This is when I start having a panic attack. My breaths are short and I try to calm my crying. My whole chest is heavy like someone is sitting on it. At this time, I avoid thinking about things. I distract myself with a book or my phone: anything that stops me from thinking. I wrap myself in blankets and avoid looking at my room. My room is a mess and the chaos amplifies the stress. I'd clean it, but I get overwhelmed and shut down.

I do that a lot, shutdown. It is my coping mechanism. When I can't handle the world around me, I shut it out and engulf myself into my own mind. If you find me zoning out or looking blankly into space, this is probably what I'm doing. I won't do school work because I can't physically get my homework out and even when I do, I can't concentrate on it.

It doesn't hurt all the time. I'm not always rolling down a hill. Frequently, I am a very happy person who is talkative, excited, and funny. But there is always this threat that I'm not quite at the top of the hill. In fact, I just pause until I fall again. 

I've always joked that I'm my own worst critic and my parents know that, but I don't think they fully understand to the extend. Really, my parents treat my depression like it's a phase. Like I feel bad for myself for a moment, but I'll get over it. I've spent my entire life trying to "get over it" but alas, here I am. It is really difficult opening up to them because whenever I have, it's usually brushed off as me "overreacting" or being "paranoid." The same thing happened when tried to explain my Dermatillomania. So now, I silently roll. 

So what pushed me down the hill today?

My college art portfolio is due in a few weeks. The school I'm applying to is super competitive and I honestly think I won't get it. But, I already sent in my application and there is no turning back. Like I said before, I am my own worst critic and I don't have a huge body of work to choose from, so I've been extra critical of myself. I've been trying to make art but I get frustrated because I can't do it. for various reasons. I'm not a very good painter and I really can't draw worth a shit. I've been forcing myself to do things because I have this idea of what the college wants and I know I'm not it, so I've been trying to mold myself into the idea. I honestly wanted to share this story with them and maybe they'd understand why my grades aren't what they should be or why my art isn't as good as it could be, but doing that makes me feel they would perceive me as weak and too unstable. I over analyze this to death, if you couldn't tell.

I stopped for a moment and looked at my blog as a whole. I've spent hours working on it's design, which is simple but, is something I did by myself and I am proud of. I checked out the My Photography tab and remembered why I wanted to apply to this school in the first place: because I am good at what I do. I am a photographer, not a painter or illustrator, but a person who captures time at the best moments. I compare myself to other people too often and I forget how quality of a person I am. 

I'm not 100% better, and I probably won't be for a long time but as long as I have the things that distract me (my photography, books, this blog), I think I'll be ok.

My mission from the start has always been to be truthful and share experience when possible. The contents of this post is part of who I am, and if one person can relate and feel comfort that they are not the only one, I have succeeded.

xo

What's Up and Coming

Being a middle class white girl, there have always been some level of expectations for me. I do have to say that I am one of the lucky ones to have the kind of parents I do. They have always encouraged me to make my own choices, make my own mistakes, and decided for myself what makes me happy. I am 17 years old and have always imagined myself going to college. Once my sister left for college, I couldn't wait to have the same experiences in my own college community. I imagined myself walking along the sides walks with the ancient brownstone university buildings as my backdrop. I anticipated dorm life and making friends based off of common interest. But now. . . I am not so sure.
It is entirely unrealistic for anyone, especially the education system, to give teenagers the idea that they must know what they want to do with their lives at 17, 18. This is what they expect from us:
Think of profession you are interested in> go to college to major in chosen profession> get a job in chosen profession when you graduate> live your live with in this profession that you spent 4+ years majoring in.
I don't know about you, but if this suppose to be my life plan I'd sooner die.
It wasn't until a week ago that it even occurred to me that I never have to go to a college or university. The mere thought had never even been considered. (Talk about American education brainwash) This moment of clarity was brought on by a large break down caused by stress from grades and school. I was on my way to track practice, but my sobbing was so overwhelming that I pulled into a church parking lot. After crying for another 15 minutes, I noticed this truck pull up in the field next to the church. I didn't really pay much attention to it until I heard a leaf blower like noise. I pulled my car around to have a better look and I saw a man getting his parasailing equipment up. I watched, mesmerized, for 20 minutes at the man who eventually got up into the air. And what I realized as I watched the parasailer was that he was doing something completely for himself and his own happiness. He didn't major in parasailing and I doubted this was his actual profession. He was doing something for his own personal benefit, something he took time to do because it was for him.
Maybe it was some sign from God, but as a parked in that churches parking lot, watching the parasailer, I felt better. Aleavedated. I talked to my parents that afternoon and they agreed that I could do what I wanted and that college was not my only choice. Honestly, I'm lucky to have parents that supportive.

So college might not be my thing, what is?
 I made a list of things I want to do, and not going to college wouldn't stop me to do those things

• Get a job downtown
• Learn French
• Travel Europe
• Write a blog
• Write a book
• Have an online store
• Studies things I am actually interested in
• Learn how to cook and bake
• Learn how to use Photoshop
• Actually create art
• Take more photos

These are things I've always wanted to do but never had the time and going to college wouldn't help it financially.  It won't be easy but at least I'd be living the way I'd want. There is so much stigma to go to college. i mentioned the idea of not going to college to a friend and they thought I was crazy. "Lillie is talking about not going to college!"

It hurt but it made me feel the full extent of peoples expectations. Yeah, overall I might not get as much money through out my life without a college degree, but I'm not saying I'll never go. Right now, I just believe I don't need a college degree and 100k in debt to do what I want with my life.

This blog will be active because it's something I want. I'm tired of doing and making this to impress a college. I want to do things for myself. Starting now.

{5/12} The Update: More like the up-LATE

It's almost the end of my Junior year, which means a lot of things.

• For starters, I have my AP Us History exam on Wednesday. I need to score at least a 3 to get actual college credit, so that's sort of a big deal.
• I'm nearing the start of post season for track. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that I came back. Well I'm back and going strong. It was the right decision to have left when i did and it was the right decision to come back. I've improved so much this year, region qualifying on Friday. My goal is to place in states. 
• I have my first Prom night on the 25th. my dress is fantastic (and so was the price.) I have no definite plans for the night, but the group I'm going with will figure out something. It's important to not make the Prom into anything that it's not. Basically, it's a night where I can get into a dress and dance my ass off. Anything after that is just a bonus.
• SAT on the June 1st. I'm sure I'll retake this but I'm pretty confident. I scored fairly well on my PSAT and that was with minimal studying, so I picked up an SAT book from the Mercy House. I'll start studying after the APUSH exam. This test is a very important part of getting into college. Yay.
• June 7th, I will no longer be an underclassman. And that is when I start my year long video project, documenting my senior year of high school. With this project, I will make a video a week just about my life.
• The Yearbook has to be finished. Oh Lord.
• A piece of really excited news that I was going to talk about originally is that I leave for Belgium, France, and Switzerland on June 10th for 9 days. Going over-seas is a dream of mine, especially going to Paris (as the readers of my blog would know.) Basically, my parents kick major ass. Their will be so many pictures and travel journals I'll post after the trip.
• A few days after I get back into the country, I'll be heading to Branson, Missouri for this extended family gathering of sorts. Basically, I get to stay in this nice lodge for a week, reading, updating my blog, and hanging in my eno. It should be a nice, relaxing time. Plus, this lodge they're renting is pretty big, meaning plenty of places for me to hide. :)

Though I feel I'll be relieved that the end of this school year will come to a close, I know it's just the beginning. 

Until next time,

Lillie

x