Europe in Photos: Belgium

How dare I have the audacity to go to Europe and not share photos from my trip on my blog.

In short: it was f*ckng great.

The trip consisted of two days in Belgium, three days in France, and two days in Switzerland. I got sick, spoke french, and ate ungodly sums of french bread. The only thing I would have changed about my trip was its length. So now, straight from my iPhone, is a collection of photos of things, people, and food. Along with them, loads of excellent stories. 

Belgium

To be honest, I didn't think I'd like Belgium much. The group hit the ground running after a 7 hour flight from DC to Brussels. I'm pretty sure first thing I did there was have a Belgian wafel (heaven), Belgian frites, and get yelled at in french to push in a chair (lucky to have known what "Chaise" means.) I saw the peeing baby of Brussels (truly iconic) and visited my first European cathedral (St. Michael and St. Gudula) The cathedral had a really cool front area, but all the trees where painted white. Overall, rockin place though, it is slightly hard to appreciate fully due to extreme jet lag. 

Bruges was a different story. I had actually never watched the movie with Colin Ferall before going to Bruges, but let me quote Ralph Fiennes in saying that "It's a f*cking fairy tale." I had never been to a canal city before. Bruges was simply amazing, except for the fact that I was sick one of the days with dehydration and a killer fever. It eventually broke but it took a few days to feel myself again. The main square of Bruges is just awesome, we spent a lot of time there. I don't have too many ridiculous stories from Bruges besides my friends taking a loose brick from the streets for me when I was sick in the hotel room. We also took a canal tour where our guide was hilarious "That building is used for retired politicians. Retired, not retarded."Bruges was just this place that almost didn't feel real. There were horse rides and a ridiculous amount of history. Loved it.

What It's Like for Me

I thought I would take this opportunity while I have it because I am currently (like right now) rolling down a hill.

That's what it feels like to me. One minute I'm fine, then slowly I feel myself fall and tumble. I can tell right before I trip because I lose my temper, I become violent. I throw and break things. Then I lash out at myself. This usually involves crying while my hands scratch or pull at my body as a form of punishment. The truth is I blame myself far too often. My chest tightens while I gasp for air. This is when I start having a panic attack. My breaths are short and I try to calm my crying. My whole chest is heavy like someone is sitting on it. At this time, I avoid thinking about things. I distract myself with a book or my phone: anything that stops me from thinking. I wrap myself in blankets and avoid looking at my room. My room is a mess and the chaos amplifies the stress. I'd clean it, but I get overwhelmed and shut down.

I do that a lot, shutdown. It is my coping mechanism. When I can't handle the world around me, I shut it out and engulf myself into my own mind. If you find me zoning out or looking blankly into space, this is probably what I'm doing. I won't do school work because I can't physically get my homework out and even when I do, I can't concentrate on it.

It doesn't hurt all the time. I'm not always rolling down a hill. Frequently, I am a very happy person who is talkative, excited, and funny. But there is always this threat that I'm not quite at the top of the hill. In fact, I just pause until I fall again. 

I've always joked that I'm my own worst critic and my parents know that, but I don't think they fully understand to the extend. Really, my parents treat my depression like it's a phase. Like I feel bad for myself for a moment, but I'll get over it. I've spent my entire life trying to "get over it" but alas, here I am. It is really difficult opening up to them because whenever I have, it's usually brushed off as me "overreacting" or being "paranoid." The same thing happened when tried to explain my Dermatillomania. So now, I silently roll. 

So what pushed me down the hill today?

My college art portfolio is due in a few weeks. The school I'm applying to is super competitive and I honestly think I won't get it. But, I already sent in my application and there is no turning back. Like I said before, I am my own worst critic and I don't have a huge body of work to choose from, so I've been extra critical of myself. I've been trying to make art but I get frustrated because I can't do it. for various reasons. I'm not a very good painter and I really can't draw worth a shit. I've been forcing myself to do things because I have this idea of what the college wants and I know I'm not it, so I've been trying to mold myself into the idea. I honestly wanted to share this story with them and maybe they'd understand why my grades aren't what they should be or why my art isn't as good as it could be, but doing that makes me feel they would perceive me as weak and too unstable. I over analyze this to death, if you couldn't tell.

I stopped for a moment and looked at my blog as a whole. I've spent hours working on it's design, which is simple but, is something I did by myself and I am proud of. I checked out the My Photography tab and remembered why I wanted to apply to this school in the first place: because I am good at what I do. I am a photographer, not a painter or illustrator, but a person who captures time at the best moments. I compare myself to other people too often and I forget how quality of a person I am. 

I'm not 100% better, and I probably won't be for a long time but as long as I have the things that distract me (my photography, books, this blog), I think I'll be ok.

My mission from the start has always been to be truthful and share experience when possible. The contents of this post is part of who I am, and if one person can relate and feel comfort that they are not the only one, I have succeeded.

xo

What I Want to Accomplish in 2014

Sounds a bit better than "resolutions." Everyone does "resolutions." The difference between what everyone else does and what I do, is that I'm going to stick it out. This is what I'm going to do in 2014

1. Write on my blog twice a month (at least)

I love my blog and if I ever want it to take off, I need to keep writing and have a consistant flow of posts. I want to post more pictures. This leads into the next one. . .

2. Take more photos

I love my camera! Photography is such an important part of my life that I don't do as often as I would like. I plan on doing a few monthly challenges like take a photo for an entire month. I worry too much about the content of my photography or that I don't have suitable subjects, but what I will learn is that I just need to show the world from my perspective. That means, I 'm buying a tripod. Today, hopefully.

3. Run

I hate running. My little legs and chubby thighs think it is murderous. But I'm going to start out slow then build my way up. I do about a 12 minute mile on the track and I'd like to get that down to 7 minutes. Also, there is a Color Run in Richmond in September. I've always wanted to do a color run and I'm setting that as my goal to reach. Hopefully, if I get into VCU, I'll already be there and maybe have some friends who will do it with me. Im going to be healthy this year, so becoming Vegan on top of running, I'll end up a skinny little bitch.

4. Be Kind to Myself

I've been an emotional wreck the past few months. I've had such a hard time with college applications: it's been a swirl of self doubt. The past few weeks have been some of the worst and a lot of faith in myself has been lost. 2014 is going to be a year where I remind myself that I am lovely, beautiful, fabulous, and all the other things that describe me. I'm searching for things I can do to help with more self love, I'l make a post about what it is when ever I find it.

5. Be Fearless

My personal mantra is "Fine, Fresh, and Fierce" but I don't believe I always embody it. This year, I want to focus on just "doing"things. Experimenting with fashion, art, and writing without give a shit. I put myself up to high standards and I'm always worried that the things I create or do won't meet them. This year, I'm letting go and running free.

Best of luck with the New Year <3

Saturday in Town

Saturday in Town by lumoslillie featuring a blue purse

White pullover
target.com

H&M boyfriend jeans
$49 - hm.com

Merona flat shoes
target.com

Modalu blue purse
$320 - johnlewis.com

Betsey Johnson earrings
betseyjohnson.com

What's Up and Coming

Being a middle class white girl, there have always been some level of expectations for me. I do have to say that I am one of the lucky ones to have the kind of parents I do. They have always encouraged me to make my own choices, make my own mistakes, and decided for myself what makes me happy. I am 17 years old and have always imagined myself going to college. Once my sister left for college, I couldn't wait to have the same experiences in my own college community. I imagined myself walking along the sides walks with the ancient brownstone university buildings as my backdrop. I anticipated dorm life and making friends based off of common interest. But now. . . I am not so sure.
It is entirely unrealistic for anyone, especially the education system, to give teenagers the idea that they must know what they want to do with their lives at 17, 18. This is what they expect from us:
Think of profession you are interested in> go to college to major in chosen profession> get a job in chosen profession when you graduate> live your live with in this profession that you spent 4+ years majoring in.
I don't know about you, but if this suppose to be my life plan I'd sooner die.
It wasn't until a week ago that it even occurred to me that I never have to go to a college or university. The mere thought had never even been considered. (Talk about American education brainwash) This moment of clarity was brought on by a large break down caused by stress from grades and school. I was on my way to track practice, but my sobbing was so overwhelming that I pulled into a church parking lot. After crying for another 15 minutes, I noticed this truck pull up in the field next to the church. I didn't really pay much attention to it until I heard a leaf blower like noise. I pulled my car around to have a better look and I saw a man getting his parasailing equipment up. I watched, mesmerized, for 20 minutes at the man who eventually got up into the air. And what I realized as I watched the parasailer was that he was doing something completely for himself and his own happiness. He didn't major in parasailing and I doubted this was his actual profession. He was doing something for his own personal benefit, something he took time to do because it was for him.
Maybe it was some sign from God, but as a parked in that churches parking lot, watching the parasailer, I felt better. Aleavedated. I talked to my parents that afternoon and they agreed that I could do what I wanted and that college was not my only choice. Honestly, I'm lucky to have parents that supportive.

So college might not be my thing, what is?
 I made a list of things I want to do, and not going to college wouldn't stop me to do those things

• Get a job downtown
• Learn French
• Travel Europe
• Write a blog
• Write a book
• Have an online store
• Studies things I am actually interested in
• Learn how to cook and bake
• Learn how to use Photoshop
• Actually create art
• Take more photos

These are things I've always wanted to do but never had the time and going to college wouldn't help it financially.  It won't be easy but at least I'd be living the way I'd want. There is so much stigma to go to college. i mentioned the idea of not going to college to a friend and they thought I was crazy. "Lillie is talking about not going to college!"

It hurt but it made me feel the full extent of peoples expectations. Yeah, overall I might not get as much money through out my life without a college degree, but I'm not saying I'll never go. Right now, I just believe I don't need a college degree and 100k in debt to do what I want with my life.

This blog will be active because it's something I want. I'm tired of doing and making this to impress a college. I want to do things for myself. Starting now.

working on it.

I have a 143 days till I have to apply to my dream college, with a art portfolio that includes 12-16 pieces of original artwork showing my talent, ability, and amount of potential. So far, I have 1 piece. It is a picture of myself I drew. It can only go up from here.

After recent grade reports as well as ap exam score, the fire as been well lit under my ass to get into college. And not just any college but quite literally my one and only. I mean, it's my only choice and its top compared to any other I've seen. The thing is, it's a rather competitive school to get into and my grades don't exactly inspire. So, I'm riding on all the extracurriculars, awards, and excellent recommendations. As well as a stellar and kick ass art portfolio. I've been going in the right direction as far as planning my portfolio out, taking art classes at the community college, and making sure all the specifics are covered. The only thing I'm missing now are some supplies and the right time. 

The right time for what? Is this just a veil to cover up that I'm are a procrastinating bitch? Maybe. I'm considering getting "don't put off tomorrow what you can do today" on my arm as a constant reminded to better myself along with "less is more" and "tights are not pants." 

Today, a family friend stopped over and I asked her about what her and her daughters experience was for getting into this school. The main message she told me was to do what you know and do the best you can. You can't make this school accept you, just put your best work out there with confidence and let everything else fall in place. I found this to be what I needed to hear; all I do is stress as to whether or not this school will except me because I have no idea and that uncertainty scares me. There is nothing more I can do but show them work I'm proud of and be my true self. I'm not competing against every other potential art student when I'm creating pieces, I'm not even competing against myself, I'm simply putting myself out there.

Until next time,
Lillie
x

{5/12} The Update: More like the up-LATE

It's almost the end of my Junior year, which means a lot of things.

• For starters, I have my AP Us History exam on Wednesday. I need to score at least a 3 to get actual college credit, so that's sort of a big deal.
• I'm nearing the start of post season for track. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that I came back. Well I'm back and going strong. It was the right decision to have left when i did and it was the right decision to come back. I've improved so much this year, region qualifying on Friday. My goal is to place in states. 
• I have my first Prom night on the 25th. my dress is fantastic (and so was the price.) I have no definite plans for the night, but the group I'm going with will figure out something. It's important to not make the Prom into anything that it's not. Basically, it's a night where I can get into a dress and dance my ass off. Anything after that is just a bonus.
• SAT on the June 1st. I'm sure I'll retake this but I'm pretty confident. I scored fairly well on my PSAT and that was with minimal studying, so I picked up an SAT book from the Mercy House. I'll start studying after the APUSH exam. This test is a very important part of getting into college. Yay.
• June 7th, I will no longer be an underclassman. And that is when I start my year long video project, documenting my senior year of high school. With this project, I will make a video a week just about my life.
• The Yearbook has to be finished. Oh Lord.
• A piece of really excited news that I was going to talk about originally is that I leave for Belgium, France, and Switzerland on June 10th for 9 days. Going over-seas is a dream of mine, especially going to Paris (as the readers of my blog would know.) Basically, my parents kick major ass. Their will be so many pictures and travel journals I'll post after the trip.
• A few days after I get back into the country, I'll be heading to Branson, Missouri for this extended family gathering of sorts. Basically, I get to stay in this nice lodge for a week, reading, updating my blog, and hanging in my eno. It should be a nice, relaxing time. Plus, this lodge they're renting is pretty big, meaning plenty of places for me to hide. :)

Though I feel I'll be relieved that the end of this school year will come to a close, I know it's just the beginning. 

Until next time,

Lillie

x