Letter to My Past Self

Dear Lillie,

Firstly, I’d like to congratulate and thank you for getting this far. 

You’re currently an 18-year-old college student, which might surprise you depending on when you read this.  Secondly, I’d like to structure this letter to you in multiple parts, addressing you at different times in your life.  Without further ado, here it is.

To six year old Lillie,

Someone is going to call you fat during P.E. one day and it will have more of an impact on your life than you’d like it to, but it’s ok because you overcome it. 

The biggest lesson you learn is that people can be mean and hurtful (especially children, which has more to do with their parents than it does with them) and won’t always take the time to get to know you. My best advice is to be kind always and take the time to get to know other people. This would have helped a lot later on, but I can’t blame you. 

I would like to commend you on the way you express your personality. Looking back, I have a hard time identifying with the round little girl with headband accessorizing her middle parted hair and the L.L. Bean polo sets grandma and mom no doubt dressed you in, but I still identify with the joy and happiness in your expression and the passion you have for creativity. 

You rock who you are and nobody can fault you on that. Hold onto that, because being who you truly want to be will be a constant struggle because of other people’s influences. Stay true to who you are, even if you're not sure who that is yet.

To twelve year old Lillie,

You are a warrior. What you are going to endure at this age is amazing and looking back, I don’t know where you found the strength. You are going to be bullied, berated, made small, doubted, and you will have an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

Current you thanks you for hanging in there, because I know just how many days you didn’t want to. The next few years are going to be hard, but you will have highs to counter the lows in some aspect. You’ll find a lot of solace on the Internet where you finally feel apart of a community in some sense, although I’m sorry to say you won’t feel like that again until college, but my god is it worth the wait. Just hang in there. 

The best advice I could give you is to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with love and kindness. I know it’s hard not to believe that you are small and unworthy when people treat you that way, but the best feeling is proving them wrong and showing how significant and brilliant you really are, because you are absolutely radiant.

To fifteen year old Lillie,

Your life is a general roller coaster, but this time is really important. Congratulations for getting toxic people out of your life, because that concept will be a core idea in the way you live your life. You’ll understand so much more about yourself once you are set free by the restrictions of others, so this is a pretty awesome time in that sense. In another, you are going to feel so isolated and alone. The feeling will be constant and seemingly endless. 

The more you understand and value yourself, the more distance you feel with everyone else around you. That distance definitely shrinks, but to an extent will always be there. 

You become your own best friend and knowing who you are is a hell of a lot more important than how other people perceive you. I can’t lie, but this will be something you struggle with, pretty recently actually.  I know it can be frustrating when people perceive you in a way you don’t want to be perceived or differently from how you perceive yourself, but in the end it doesn’t actually matter what other people think. Just have your own back.

To seventeen year old Lillie,

The biggest lesson you will learn is that adults don’t have the answers you’re looking for, they don’t even have the answers to the questions you're not asking. You’ll develop what a school guidance counselor wants to call “issues with authority” when really you should be commended as a skeptic. Honestly, adults are just as fucking lost as you are most of the time. 

Politics are going to fight with you and the best thing you can do is perform your best and be happy and satisfied with your achievements. You won’t get the recognition you wanted or deserved, but honestly, as long as you know how badass you are, everyone else will see it. In the long run, a plaque and a handshake will be completely meaningless when you look back at your track career and the extreme character growth you achieved over the course of five years. It’s pretty astounding and will continue to blow you away. I really have to thank you for sticking with track, it will be one of the most rewarding things you do in college. Just in the first year, you will feel so loved and part of a group. You’ll finally get to experience so many things you dreamed about, and it’s awesome. 

Along with college, don’t stress about VCU. Deep down, you know it is a long shot, but I really commend you for setting a goal and going after it. Ending up at CNU will be a much better decision and you will fall in love the first time you step on campus. I know how much you wanted VCU, but what we want and what we need aren’t always the same thing.

To conclude this letter, I want to offer some advice to future Lillie:

To future Lillie,

Be fearless and be strong. I know you won’t be able to all the time, and that is ok, but I don’t want you to waste your life being afraid of acting or not acting. Don’t have regrets and don’t be afraid to act. The worst thing that can happen is that things don’t go as planned, but you will grow from it. The most painful experiences and mistakes are the most rewarding lessons to be learned. 

Continue to be kind to yourself, because you are worth it. Don’t fight with yourself as much as you do and recognize that there are things out of your control. 

Trust yourself and your abilities and take what people say about you with a grain of salt. Know who you are and own it.

You are good and you are worthy.

Sincerely,

Lillie

Age 18