Letter to My Past Self

Dear Lillie,

Firstly, I’d like to congratulate and thank you for getting this far. 

You’re currently an 18-year-old college student, which might surprise you depending on when you read this.  Secondly, I’d like to structure this letter to you in multiple parts, addressing you at different times in your life.  Without further ado, here it is.

To six year old Lillie,

Someone is going to call you fat during P.E. one day and it will have more of an impact on your life than you’d like it to, but it’s ok because you overcome it. 

The biggest lesson you learn is that people can be mean and hurtful (especially children, which has more to do with their parents than it does with them) and won’t always take the time to get to know you. My best advice is to be kind always and take the time to get to know other people. This would have helped a lot later on, but I can’t blame you. 

I would like to commend you on the way you express your personality. Looking back, I have a hard time identifying with the round little girl with headband accessorizing her middle parted hair and the L.L. Bean polo sets grandma and mom no doubt dressed you in, but I still identify with the joy and happiness in your expression and the passion you have for creativity. 

You rock who you are and nobody can fault you on that. Hold onto that, because being who you truly want to be will be a constant struggle because of other people’s influences. Stay true to who you are, even if you're not sure who that is yet.

To twelve year old Lillie,

You are a warrior. What you are going to endure at this age is amazing and looking back, I don’t know where you found the strength. You are going to be bullied, berated, made small, doubted, and you will have an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

Current you thanks you for hanging in there, because I know just how many days you didn’t want to. The next few years are going to be hard, but you will have highs to counter the lows in some aspect. You’ll find a lot of solace on the Internet where you finally feel apart of a community in some sense, although I’m sorry to say you won’t feel like that again until college, but my god is it worth the wait. Just hang in there. 

The best advice I could give you is to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with love and kindness. I know it’s hard not to believe that you are small and unworthy when people treat you that way, but the best feeling is proving them wrong and showing how significant and brilliant you really are, because you are absolutely radiant.

To fifteen year old Lillie,

Your life is a general roller coaster, but this time is really important. Congratulations for getting toxic people out of your life, because that concept will be a core idea in the way you live your life. You’ll understand so much more about yourself once you are set free by the restrictions of others, so this is a pretty awesome time in that sense. In another, you are going to feel so isolated and alone. The feeling will be constant and seemingly endless. 

The more you understand and value yourself, the more distance you feel with everyone else around you. That distance definitely shrinks, but to an extent will always be there. 

You become your own best friend and knowing who you are is a hell of a lot more important than how other people perceive you. I can’t lie, but this will be something you struggle with, pretty recently actually.  I know it can be frustrating when people perceive you in a way you don’t want to be perceived or differently from how you perceive yourself, but in the end it doesn’t actually matter what other people think. Just have your own back.

To seventeen year old Lillie,

The biggest lesson you will learn is that adults don’t have the answers you’re looking for, they don’t even have the answers to the questions you're not asking. You’ll develop what a school guidance counselor wants to call “issues with authority” when really you should be commended as a skeptic. Honestly, adults are just as fucking lost as you are most of the time. 

Politics are going to fight with you and the best thing you can do is perform your best and be happy and satisfied with your achievements. You won’t get the recognition you wanted or deserved, but honestly, as long as you know how badass you are, everyone else will see it. In the long run, a plaque and a handshake will be completely meaningless when you look back at your track career and the extreme character growth you achieved over the course of five years. It’s pretty astounding and will continue to blow you away. I really have to thank you for sticking with track, it will be one of the most rewarding things you do in college. Just in the first year, you will feel so loved and part of a group. You’ll finally get to experience so many things you dreamed about, and it’s awesome. 

Along with college, don’t stress about VCU. Deep down, you know it is a long shot, but I really commend you for setting a goal and going after it. Ending up at CNU will be a much better decision and you will fall in love the first time you step on campus. I know how much you wanted VCU, but what we want and what we need aren’t always the same thing.

To conclude this letter, I want to offer some advice to future Lillie:

To future Lillie,

Be fearless and be strong. I know you won’t be able to all the time, and that is ok, but I don’t want you to waste your life being afraid of acting or not acting. Don’t have regrets and don’t be afraid to act. The worst thing that can happen is that things don’t go as planned, but you will grow from it. The most painful experiences and mistakes are the most rewarding lessons to be learned. 

Continue to be kind to yourself, because you are worth it. Don’t fight with yourself as much as you do and recognize that there are things out of your control. 

Trust yourself and your abilities and take what people say about you with a grain of salt. Know who you are and own it.

You are good and you are worthy.

Sincerely,

Lillie

Age 18

Thank You for 2014, What’s Up 2015?

2014 was one of the best years of my so far, very short life. I turned 18 that year and for the first time, made real and true friends. 2014 was the year of the friends. The year is sort of a blur up until August 17th when I left home for college and since then, I have been the happiest I’ve ever been. There were many many points in my life where I felt I would never be this happy, times when I was so low that I didn’t think it was even possible for me to experience the joy I feel when I’m at school. 

I need to give credit to the time pre-CNU. I applied to schools this year, was rejected by VCUarts, but then contacted directly from the throwers coach at CNU when I was accepted into CNU, a place that is now my true home.

Once I chose to go to CNU, senior year became a blur of track meets and goals I needed to reach. I had my best performances in 2014 in all of my events. There are a few meets I remember in specific that really highlight my career as a track athlete. The first time I hit 120 was a stunning day at UVA and when I won Discus at Regionals really stand out to me. I qualified for Nationals, both indoor and outdoor, which was a goal of mine since I was a sophomore. I feel so much pride when  I wear my Nationals backpacks. 

I ended High School with middle fingers ablaze as I left. How the end of my season was treated by the high school track coaches left me with zero respect for either of them and the entire school as a whole. I never want to step foot into that high school again. I owe them nothing.

I spent my summer basically dreaming of CNU, I couldn’t wait to be there already.

My first semester of college went amazing. I made loads of fantastic friends that I can now call on for anything. This is something I never had in my life and honestly, its hard to see all the kids I went to high school with hang out with each other when my friends are in completely different parts of the state. But I go back home on the 3rd to start January camp the 4th and classes start the 7th. 

I killed my grades this semester. I ended with a 3.6 GPA and was on the deans list. For me, this matters so much because I never had these kinds of grades in high school. At times I was scared I wouldn’t be ok in college, maybe I was just stupid. But that GPA and all the work I put into it this past semester proves all those doubts wrong. 

I’m happy. Completely and utterly happy with my situation at CNU. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have goals for improvement (resolutions, you will), because 2014 was great, but 2015 can be better.

1. Run. I know this was on my list last year, but this time I’m dedicated to make it work. I’ll start out slow as many times as week as I can. I’m aiming for everyday in the mornings. It’s already scheduled in and I can make it work. My weight needs to be better and running will help me tremendously. 
2. Clean eating. Working with my diet by cutting out breads and processed foods will do wonders for me and I’m excited for that. I want to be strict with myself and use self control to be healthier and happier.
3. Blog more.
4. Finish re-reading the damn Harry Potter books.
5. Love myself more. I did a really good job in 2014 of being better to myself but I believe that needs to be continued
6. Be Fearless. This was a resolution last year and it is still something I need to work on. I get scared and I become afraid to do things. I still set myself to high standards and I'm really hard on myself when I don't meet my standards. I will work on being fearless and owning it. 

2015 will be the year of body positivity and self improvement. 

Europe in Photos: France

Part Duex of Lillie's excellent adventures in Europe.

Amiens: We took a bus to France and they didn't even check our passports. I understand this sort of thing is pretty lax in Europe. So I don't have a stamp for France (although I have one for Germany as I was in the country for only 4 hours) We stopped in Amiens! I ordered a sandwich in French (végétarien avec fromage), had my first kinder egg, and learned that there is more than one Notre Dame. The picture on the bottom middle is a *replica* of John the Baptist skull. They had in caged in so we thought it was the real thing; alas, twas not. The cathedral has these amazing floors all through out. Cathedrals are one of my favorite things about Europe. Speaking in general, Europe is probably my favorite place because of the history. Things that were hundreds of years older than my country are still around and still holding out their purpose. It's very surreal. We played Uno on the way there and on the way to Paris AND I WRECKED EVERYBODY.

 Paris: It's been a life-long dream to go to Paris. All this time I have thought that New York City was my city, but when I visited Paris everything felt right. Being in Paris made me feel like I was home. Cliche as it sounds, it's exactly how I felt. I didn't want to be anywhere but there. I call Paris the Golden City because everything is golden. The way the sunset hits the Sine is golden and beautiful. Paris wasn't all pastry and sunshine. It's actually scary at times. There are loads of sketchy people selling you things (they are harmless really) but it feels like you will mysteriously get taken or robbed. I felt like this most in Montmartre because there were people searching the crowd and waiting for prey. Montmartre was actually one of my favorite parts of the city. My favorite restaurant on the whole trip was there; I tried escargot and had the most heavenly dessert. Breakfast in Paris was probably the best overall, though Bruges had a lot working for it. Our hotel room had a leaking toilet. I notified someone about it before we left to explore the city for the first day, but when we got back the bathroom was completely flooded. Our hotel was less than a block away from this AMAZING place where we ordered banana and nutella crepes at least 3 times.

We visited Versailles one day, which has always been on my bucket list since I saw Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette. To be honest, the move gives you a much better view of the palace than the tour does. I felt claustrophobic and basically wanted to die the whole time. I was pushed and shoved by many a asian tourist during that time. Side note: if you know how to say Pardon, oui, non, Je suis végétarien, and excusez-moi, you are golden in french speaking nations as a tourist. You literally need to know nothing else.

 I knew a few phrases here and there and I can read key words, but I don't have very extensive french vocabulary.The photo on the top left corner is a rack of naughty french themed condoms. It because a very juvenile joke with my group to say "Eat my Baguette." I think we found them so hilarious because they were EVERYWHERE. I'm sure most of my classmates don't even know where to get condoms in America, so it was interesting to see them everywhere. We also saw a condom vending machine in Amiens. Holler at your safe sex practices France. Also, the photo in middle bottom is me. At Versailles. You can tell I was just overwhelmed with culture.

 

I don't drink. It's just never been something I wanted to partake in. But, when you are told the drinking  age is much lower in Europe and French wine is included in your dinner ON THE EIFFEL TOWER, you sure as hell want to partake in that. Alas, the group from my school was not allowed. A hilarious side note: the school group from California evidently got wasted on multiple occasions and their wack job, french teacher let them roam around Paris ALONE while intoxicated. Class act. So, because we were not allowed wine, we got free drinks. I grew particularly fond of European Fanta, it's kind of the best stuff ever. It's the drink below. The meal at the Eiffel tower was pretty good, but not exactly remarkable. They did have excellent mashed potatoes and the dessert was the best part.  I can't believe I missed the best part of this experience though. It deserves it's own paragraph.

Earlier in the day, we had spent a few hours in the Louvre. It was the only thing on the schedule for the day for the entire group. We were then able to split off and do our own thing. Because none of the other groups wanted the tour guide we got Mariam. She had to take someone back to the hotel room, so we were instructed to go across the bridge to the Musee D'orsay, which was on our list of things we wanted to do. Once we got there we realized that we had to pay to go to the Museum and we didn't want to rush through, so my group and I walked around to some shops, found a free war museum, and waited till our guide was going to meet up with us. We waited for over an hour for the guide at the front of the Musee D'orsay. Our guide NEVER CAME. We tried to call her but she never answered. So, my teacher had to figure out how to get to the Champs Elysees on a bus. It was hectic, and we eventually got there but we had very limited time because we had to get back to our hotel at a certain time 

 

Being able to visit France was amazing. Every second, I felt myself falling in love with the this gorgeous, golden city of Paris. Hopefully I will be able to recount another adventure in Paris soon.

HOW TO: Take over Europe 2013

In lieu of taking photos during my trip, I took mosty videos with a flip camera and a point-and-shoot canon. Now that I no longer have the photos I did take with my phone (they were backed up on the hard drive that crashed), I appreciate the footage I captured of some of my favorite places while there. This is my first travel video, and I know it's rough but I they will get better with time. Also, the song is Sleep Alone by Two Door Cinema Club.

Enjoy.

Europe in Photos: Belgium

How dare I have the audacity to go to Europe and not share photos from my trip on my blog.

In short: it was f*ckng great.

The trip consisted of two days in Belgium, three days in France, and two days in Switzerland. I got sick, spoke french, and ate ungodly sums of french bread. The only thing I would have changed about my trip was its length. So now, straight from my iPhone, is a collection of photos of things, people, and food. Along with them, loads of excellent stories. 

Belgium

To be honest, I didn't think I'd like Belgium much. The group hit the ground running after a 7 hour flight from DC to Brussels. I'm pretty sure first thing I did there was have a Belgian wafel (heaven), Belgian frites, and get yelled at in french to push in a chair (lucky to have known what "Chaise" means.) I saw the peeing baby of Brussels (truly iconic) and visited my first European cathedral (St. Michael and St. Gudula) The cathedral had a really cool front area, but all the trees where painted white. Overall, rockin place though, it is slightly hard to appreciate fully due to extreme jet lag. 

Bruges was a different story. I had actually never watched the movie with Colin Ferall before going to Bruges, but let me quote Ralph Fiennes in saying that "It's a f*cking fairy tale." I had never been to a canal city before. Bruges was simply amazing, except for the fact that I was sick one of the days with dehydration and a killer fever. It eventually broke but it took a few days to feel myself again. The main square of Bruges is just awesome, we spent a lot of time there. I don't have too many ridiculous stories from Bruges besides my friends taking a loose brick from the streets for me when I was sick in the hotel room. We also took a canal tour where our guide was hilarious "That building is used for retired politicians. Retired, not retarded."Bruges was just this place that almost didn't feel real. There were horse rides and a ridiculous amount of history. Loved it.

What It's Like for Me

I thought I would take this opportunity while I have it because I am currently (like right now) rolling down a hill.

That's what it feels like to me. One minute I'm fine, then slowly I feel myself fall and tumble. I can tell right before I trip because I lose my temper, I become violent. I throw and break things. Then I lash out at myself. This usually involves crying while my hands scratch or pull at my body as a form of punishment. The truth is I blame myself far too often. My chest tightens while I gasp for air. This is when I start having a panic attack. My breaths are short and I try to calm my crying. My whole chest is heavy like someone is sitting on it. At this time, I avoid thinking about things. I distract myself with a book or my phone: anything that stops me from thinking. I wrap myself in blankets and avoid looking at my room. My room is a mess and the chaos amplifies the stress. I'd clean it, but I get overwhelmed and shut down.

I do that a lot, shutdown. It is my coping mechanism. When I can't handle the world around me, I shut it out and engulf myself into my own mind. If you find me zoning out or looking blankly into space, this is probably what I'm doing. I won't do school work because I can't physically get my homework out and even when I do, I can't concentrate on it.

It doesn't hurt all the time. I'm not always rolling down a hill. Frequently, I am a very happy person who is talkative, excited, and funny. But there is always this threat that I'm not quite at the top of the hill. In fact, I just pause until I fall again. 

I've always joked that I'm my own worst critic and my parents know that, but I don't think they fully understand to the extend. Really, my parents treat my depression like it's a phase. Like I feel bad for myself for a moment, but I'll get over it. I've spent my entire life trying to "get over it" but alas, here I am. It is really difficult opening up to them because whenever I have, it's usually brushed off as me "overreacting" or being "paranoid." The same thing happened when tried to explain my Dermatillomania. So now, I silently roll. 

So what pushed me down the hill today?

My college art portfolio is due in a few weeks. The school I'm applying to is super competitive and I honestly think I won't get it. But, I already sent in my application and there is no turning back. Like I said before, I am my own worst critic and I don't have a huge body of work to choose from, so I've been extra critical of myself. I've been trying to make art but I get frustrated because I can't do it. for various reasons. I'm not a very good painter and I really can't draw worth a shit. I've been forcing myself to do things because I have this idea of what the college wants and I know I'm not it, so I've been trying to mold myself into the idea. I honestly wanted to share this story with them and maybe they'd understand why my grades aren't what they should be or why my art isn't as good as it could be, but doing that makes me feel they would perceive me as weak and too unstable. I over analyze this to death, if you couldn't tell.

I stopped for a moment and looked at my blog as a whole. I've spent hours working on it's design, which is simple but, is something I did by myself and I am proud of. I checked out the My Photography tab and remembered why I wanted to apply to this school in the first place: because I am good at what I do. I am a photographer, not a painter or illustrator, but a person who captures time at the best moments. I compare myself to other people too often and I forget how quality of a person I am. 

I'm not 100% better, and I probably won't be for a long time but as long as I have the things that distract me (my photography, books, this blog), I think I'll be ok.

My mission from the start has always been to be truthful and share experience when possible. The contents of this post is part of who I am, and if one person can relate and feel comfort that they are not the only one, I have succeeded.

xo

What I Want to Accomplish in 2014

Sounds a bit better than "resolutions." Everyone does "resolutions." The difference between what everyone else does and what I do, is that I'm going to stick it out. This is what I'm going to do in 2014

1. Write on my blog twice a month (at least)

I love my blog and if I ever want it to take off, I need to keep writing and have a consistant flow of posts. I want to post more pictures. This leads into the next one. . .

2. Take more photos

I love my camera! Photography is such an important part of my life that I don't do as often as I would like. I plan on doing a few monthly challenges like take a photo for an entire month. I worry too much about the content of my photography or that I don't have suitable subjects, but what I will learn is that I just need to show the world from my perspective. That means, I 'm buying a tripod. Today, hopefully.

3. Run

I hate running. My little legs and chubby thighs think it is murderous. But I'm going to start out slow then build my way up. I do about a 12 minute mile on the track and I'd like to get that down to 7 minutes. Also, there is a Color Run in Richmond in September. I've always wanted to do a color run and I'm setting that as my goal to reach. Hopefully, if I get into VCU, I'll already be there and maybe have some friends who will do it with me. Im going to be healthy this year, so becoming Vegan on top of running, I'll end up a skinny little bitch.

4. Be Kind to Myself

I've been an emotional wreck the past few months. I've had such a hard time with college applications: it's been a swirl of self doubt. The past few weeks have been some of the worst and a lot of faith in myself has been lost. 2014 is going to be a year where I remind myself that I am lovely, beautiful, fabulous, and all the other things that describe me. I'm searching for things I can do to help with more self love, I'l make a post about what it is when ever I find it.

5. Be Fearless

My personal mantra is "Fine, Fresh, and Fierce" but I don't believe I always embody it. This year, I want to focus on just "doing"things. Experimenting with fashion, art, and writing without give a shit. I put myself up to high standards and I'm always worried that the things I create or do won't meet them. This year, I'm letting go and running free.

Best of luck with the New Year <3