I'm not positive as to what has happened to my time. Last thing I remember is going to football games in October. Now it's April and I'm FREAKING THE HELL OUT.
Before now, I had time to do everything, but as of today I have 49 days left of my junior year. Within theses 49 days, the list of things I must accomplish is practically infinite. It feels like my entire future is riding on these next 49 days because I have to plan my summer to prepare me to get into college. Taking the SAT, APUSH exam, SOL testing, and making my time line for summer are just some of the wonderful things I have to accomplish along with having to help finish the yearbook, sign up for as many art classes as I can, get a job, plan for next years yearbook.
I think my biggest fear is not getting into my college because I know no other place I want to go. I want to have so much faith in the work I produce, but I don't because I feel like I don't produce enough. Do I really have talent? Am I cut out to do what I want to do? I'm scared that my school of choice won't want me or not see potential. And what may scare me the most is that they'll see the lack of faith I have in myself.
I will be applying to the top public art school in the country. I only took Art 1 my freshman year and didn't continue because I really didn't like the teacher. I can't tell if I regret that now. Instead of taking art, I took Speech class and creative writing. At this point, I can only see those things as time taken away from doing art but I have to pull back. I don't know if those art classes would have benefited me. I don't know if I would have been happy.
Another thing that scares me is this "lack of consistency" in activities. When I write it all down, I guess there are a lot of activities and extracurricular I was involved in, maybe more than others. But I never was super super involved in things. I was never a leader in a club nor have I had an activity that I've been involved in all 4 years of high school. I've dropped out and quit so many things and I'm so afraid that a school is only going to see me as a quitter. I always feel like I should have stayed in something, found my niche and I guess with yearbook I have. I just don't think I can adequately express whats happened with all these things.
I competed at State Level public speaking my freshman year. A huge deal. My sophomore year, I go to do it again, but the day before Districts my partners creates this elaborate and extremely hurtful lie so she couldn't go compete. I did not get to compete. Junior year I planned on doing a solo event, but quit for track.
I've done outdoor track since 8th grade. I just finished my 3rd indoor season and at the end, shit hit the fan. I did not return for my 4th outdoor season after trying to make it work. I can not even describe how unhappy I was. And being in the position that I am, it still affects my life. My family members are the only ones who completely understand why I quit because the situation involves my family, but I can't describe how painful it is for people to tell me how great I am at it and that they think "I should really reconsider." I have my completely justified reasons and even after explaining the situation to them, they don't get it. I don't owe them an explanation but the way I get treated because of my choices hurts. Someone from the track team passes by and will say "Quitter" to me. I'm so upset that the entire situation had to happen and now I get to deal with the aftermath.
How do I explain all this to a college admissions office?
People tell me I'm liked. That they appreciate me. That I'm fabulous. It's really nice of them, but I don't think I can put "well liked" under school involvement. Do you put "great personality" under volunteer service or extracurricular? These are things I think I offer but not things I could easily show a college at a first glance. Who knows, maybe I could. I'd like to say I was an amazing student, but honestly I'm average at best. I worked extremely hard in some classes but feel short in others. I regret that and I don't know how a school will see that.
I didn't expect this to turn into a rapid fire rant but after the day I had, it feels nice. Feelings just kept coming up and I needed to get them out. A friend told me that reading my blog was almost like reading my Diary and in a sense, it is. I don't find the point of being dishonest with my feelings when I talk about experiences I've had. There is a way of being honest without having to tell every single detail.
Until next time,
Lillie
x
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