What's Up and Coming

Being a middle class white girl, there have always been some level of expectations for me. I do have to say that I am one of the lucky ones to have the kind of parents I do. They have always encouraged me to make my own choices, make my own mistakes, and decided for myself what makes me happy. I am 17 years old and have always imagined myself going to college. Once my sister left for college, I couldn't wait to have the same experiences in my own college community. I imagined myself walking along the sides walks with the ancient brownstone university buildings as my backdrop. I anticipated dorm life and making friends based off of common interest. But now. . . I am not so sure.
It is entirely unrealistic for anyone, especially the education system, to give teenagers the idea that they must know what they want to do with their lives at 17, 18. This is what they expect from us:
Think of profession you are interested in> go to college to major in chosen profession> get a job in chosen profession when you graduate> live your live with in this profession that you spent 4+ years majoring in.
I don't know about you, but if this suppose to be my life plan I'd sooner die.
It wasn't until a week ago that it even occurred to me that I never have to go to a college or university. The mere thought had never even been considered. (Talk about American education brainwash) This moment of clarity was brought on by a large break down caused by stress from grades and school. I was on my way to track practice, but my sobbing was so overwhelming that I pulled into a church parking lot. After crying for another 15 minutes, I noticed this truck pull up in the field next to the church. I didn't really pay much attention to it until I heard a leaf blower like noise. I pulled my car around to have a better look and I saw a man getting his parasailing equipment up. I watched, mesmerized, for 20 minutes at the man who eventually got up into the air. And what I realized as I watched the parasailer was that he was doing something completely for himself and his own happiness. He didn't major in parasailing and I doubted this was his actual profession. He was doing something for his own personal benefit, something he took time to do because it was for him.
Maybe it was some sign from God, but as a parked in that churches parking lot, watching the parasailer, I felt better. Aleavedated. I talked to my parents that afternoon and they agreed that I could do what I wanted and that college was not my only choice. Honestly, I'm lucky to have parents that supportive.

So college might not be my thing, what is?
 I made a list of things I want to do, and not going to college wouldn't stop me to do those things

• Get a job downtown
• Learn French
• Travel Europe
• Write a blog
• Write a book
• Have an online store
• Studies things I am actually interested in
• Learn how to cook and bake
• Learn how to use Photoshop
• Actually create art
• Take more photos

These are things I've always wanted to do but never had the time and going to college wouldn't help it financially.  It won't be easy but at least I'd be living the way I'd want. There is so much stigma to go to college. i mentioned the idea of not going to college to a friend and they thought I was crazy. "Lillie is talking about not going to college!"

It hurt but it made me feel the full extent of peoples expectations. Yeah, overall I might not get as much money through out my life without a college degree, but I'm not saying I'll never go. Right now, I just believe I don't need a college degree and 100k in debt to do what I want with my life.

This blog will be active because it's something I want. I'm tired of doing and making this to impress a college. I want to do things for myself. Starting now.

working on it.

I have a 143 days till I have to apply to my dream college, with a art portfolio that includes 12-16 pieces of original artwork showing my talent, ability, and amount of potential. So far, I have 1 piece. It is a picture of myself I drew. It can only go up from here.

After recent grade reports as well as ap exam score, the fire as been well lit under my ass to get into college. And not just any college but quite literally my one and only. I mean, it's my only choice and its top compared to any other I've seen. The thing is, it's a rather competitive school to get into and my grades don't exactly inspire. So, I'm riding on all the extracurriculars, awards, and excellent recommendations. As well as a stellar and kick ass art portfolio. I've been going in the right direction as far as planning my portfolio out, taking art classes at the community college, and making sure all the specifics are covered. The only thing I'm missing now are some supplies and the right time. 

The right time for what? Is this just a veil to cover up that I'm are a procrastinating bitch? Maybe. I'm considering getting "don't put off tomorrow what you can do today" on my arm as a constant reminded to better myself along with "less is more" and "tights are not pants." 

Today, a family friend stopped over and I asked her about what her and her daughters experience was for getting into this school. The main message she told me was to do what you know and do the best you can. You can't make this school accept you, just put your best work out there with confidence and let everything else fall in place. I found this to be what I needed to hear; all I do is stress as to whether or not this school will except me because I have no idea and that uncertainty scares me. There is nothing more I can do but show them work I'm proud of and be my true self. I'm not competing against every other potential art student when I'm creating pieces, I'm not even competing against myself, I'm simply putting myself out there.

Until next time,
Lillie
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{5/12} The Update: More like the up-LATE

It's almost the end of my Junior year, which means a lot of things.

• For starters, I have my AP Us History exam on Wednesday. I need to score at least a 3 to get actual college credit, so that's sort of a big deal.
• I'm nearing the start of post season for track. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that I came back. Well I'm back and going strong. It was the right decision to have left when i did and it was the right decision to come back. I've improved so much this year, region qualifying on Friday. My goal is to place in states. 
• I have my first Prom night on the 25th. my dress is fantastic (and so was the price.) I have no definite plans for the night, but the group I'm going with will figure out something. It's important to not make the Prom into anything that it's not. Basically, it's a night where I can get into a dress and dance my ass off. Anything after that is just a bonus.
• SAT on the June 1st. I'm sure I'll retake this but I'm pretty confident. I scored fairly well on my PSAT and that was with minimal studying, so I picked up an SAT book from the Mercy House. I'll start studying after the APUSH exam. This test is a very important part of getting into college. Yay.
• June 7th, I will no longer be an underclassman. And that is when I start my year long video project, documenting my senior year of high school. With this project, I will make a video a week just about my life.
• The Yearbook has to be finished. Oh Lord.
• A piece of really excited news that I was going to talk about originally is that I leave for Belgium, France, and Switzerland on June 10th for 9 days. Going over-seas is a dream of mine, especially going to Paris (as the readers of my blog would know.) Basically, my parents kick major ass. Their will be so many pictures and travel journals I'll post after the trip.
• A few days after I get back into the country, I'll be heading to Branson, Missouri for this extended family gathering of sorts. Basically, I get to stay in this nice lodge for a week, reading, updating my blog, and hanging in my eno. It should be a nice, relaxing time. Plus, this lodge they're renting is pretty big, meaning plenty of places for me to hide. :)

Though I feel I'll be relieved that the end of this school year will come to a close, I know it's just the beginning. 

Until next time,

Lillie

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Favorites of the Week {4/14}

I'm not so good with "Lets do something everyday!" I can hardly have a consistent bedtime let alone update a blog everyday, or at this point every week. To make up for this I have some really awesome favorites of the week to share as well as an update/checking in post that will be up tomorrow.

Favorites for the week of April 14th:

37 People Who Are Worse At Cooking Than You: My sister posted this on facebook and I nearly pissed myself. Three pictures in and I was dying. What's really hilarious about these food fails is that most of these are things seen on pintrest or something like #1 with the rainbow cake jars. You tried.

Gollum covers Taylor Swift: I follow 473 blogs on Tumblr, meaning the BEST THINGS show up on my dash on a regular basis. The title really explains it all. You'll be singing along by the end. 

Infographic- Get More out of Google: Google is ma search engine. I don't deal with Yahoo or god forbid Bing. SO I was surprised all the ways I can improve me search. This infographic is visually interesting as well as being very informative. I'm sure this will help me next year when I have loads of papers to write.

Brooklyn Craigslist Ad Offers the Complete Girls Living Experience: I know being 16 doesn't make me the target age for HBO's Girls but I love the show immensely. 

18 Microwave Snacks You can Cook in a Mug: I'm so lazy. I'm soooo lazy. I'm the kind of the person who will take the time to boil water and make pasta but won't make the sauce. This happened yesterday. So the possibility of making DESSERTS in a MUG in the MICROWAVE is the THE COOLEST THING EVER. Will you make me one?

Same Love feat Mary Lambert- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis: After listing to Thrift Shop 54 times, I ventured through their album The Heist and I really like it. This song has been on repeat for awhile because it is such a beautiful as well as having a great message. Really amazing music video as well.

39 People With Watercolor Paintings Tattooed To Their Bodies: Another one from from Buzzfeed (because I'm obsessed with the website) Watercolor tattoos are sort of mind-blowing. I understand how other tattoos work, but with watercolor ones, the design is just so beautiful. I would certainly get one of these. It's such a unique was of displaying art on your body.

Music Videos Without Music- Thirft Shop: Another internet gem. Thank you CollegeHumor.

My Canon 50mm 1.8  lens: I had a photo shoot/ senior portraits of sorts with one of my best friends yesterday and the pictures turned out excellent. He needed some legit head shots so the lens really helped get great pictures that were solely focused on him. I found the lens on Best Buy online for $108 so we went into the store and they honored the online price, SCORE!

I'm really excited to do more photo shoots with people to build up my portfolio so I'm currently doing free sessions for people I know to get more experience. Hopefully, I will also have some portrait pictures to use for portfolio when I apply to college.

I'm sure I'll share many shoots on my blog is my lovely subjects allow (Thanks Tyler!)

Until next time,

Lillie

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BEDA #4 Puppy Girls

Today, my Dad took our two, 14 year old dogs to put them down. Honestly, we are very lucky to have had them this long. They are Shepard-Lab mixes and they usually don't live very long. And these too dogs were especially lucky to be alive this long.

 Lucky was the extra dog we got, so that's why she has her name. He named became really ironic because this dog was lucky to be alive. She has hit a car, broken her leg, and other miscellaneous accidents. Bless her heart.

Our other is Brooke, who was named after Brooke Shields because she had more brown on he face like having voluptuous eyebrows.

I knew that this was coming. Lucky has had a tumor growing for probably a month or two and Brooke's joints have really deteriorated to the point where she could hardly get around. It was their time. Dad is on Spring Break so he took them on some walks, feed them a can of food each, and a whole box of Milkbone bones. They did not eat all the bones as that was quite a large box, but he wanted to make sure they would not be hungry. 

It's been rough and even though we knew this day was approaching, you're never ready for the impact. I write this through tears but I fight to finish because they deserve this. They lived a good 14 and a half years and I regret we didn't make it better. I will miss hearing barking in the back yard and seeing them through the kitchen window in the mornings. I will always expect them to come out of their houses to greet me when I walk out the back door. 

They will be missed.

Brooke is on the left and Lucky is on the right

Lucky

Brooke

Until next time,

Lillie

x

*all photos are mine*

BEDA #2-3 Oops... & Pottery!

Unlike my rather rant-y and honest first BEDA post, my other ones should be less like that. 

Somes days just aren't ment for blogging. Yesterday was, obviously, one of those days. It was crazy and horrible until I went to pottery. I just had my 4th time in the Pottery studio at the local community college and it's one of my favourite things. 

• Firstly, I am the youngest in the class by at least 15 years. 
• Secondly, I'm picking it up really quickly.
• Thirdly, you can think of nothing else besides trying to center your clay on the wheel. So it's a great thought distraction.

When I have finished pieces, I will certainly post some pictures of them. There is also a summer session I plan on taking to create higher quality pieces for my art portfolio. The instructor even told me that we can work on hand building to create nicer 3D pieces. 

Also, I redownloaded Spotify. I've been listening to a lot of Imagine Dragons and Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis. I shamelessly sing to Thrift Shop and the soundtrack to Les Mis.

Until next time, 

Lillie

x

BEDA #1: Adding to the Pile

I'm not positive as to what has happened to my time. Last thing I remember is going to football games in October. Now it's April and I'm FREAKING THE HELL OUT. 

Before now, I had time to do everything, but as of today I have 49 days left of my junior year. Within theses 49 days, the list of things I must accomplish is practically infinite. It feels like my entire future is riding on these next 49 days because I have to plan my summer to prepare me to get into college. Taking the SAT, APUSH exam, SOL testing, and making my time line for summer are just some of the wonderful things I have to accomplish along with having to help finish the yearbook, sign up for as many art classes as I can, get a job, plan for next years yearbook. 

I think my biggest fear is not getting into my college because I know no other place I want to go. I want to have so much faith in the work I produce, but I don't because I feel like I don't produce enough. Do I really have talent? Am I cut out to do what I want to do? I'm scared that my school of choice won't want me or not see potential. And what may scare me the most is that they'll see the lack of faith I have in myself. 

I will be applying to the top public art school in the country. I only took Art 1 my freshman year and didn't continue because I really didn't like the teacher. I can't tell if I regret that now. Instead of taking art, I took Speech class and creative writing. At this point, I can only see those things as time taken away from doing art but I have to pull back. I don't know if those art classes would have benefited me. I don't know if I would have been happy.

Another thing that scares me is this "lack of consistency" in activities. When I write it all down, I guess there are a lot of activities and extracurricular I was involved in, maybe more than others. But I never was super super involved in things. I was never a leader in a club nor have I had an activity that I've been involved in all 4 years of high school. I've dropped out and quit so many things and I'm so afraid that a school is only going to see me as a quitter. I always feel like I should have stayed in something, found my niche and I guess with yearbook I have. I just don't think I can adequately express whats happened with all these things.

I competed at State Level public speaking my freshman year. A huge deal. My sophomore year, I go to do it again, but the day before Districts my partners creates this elaborate and extremely hurtful lie so she couldn't go compete. I did not get to compete. Junior year I planned on doing a solo event, but quit for track.

I've done outdoor track since 8th grade. I just finished my 3rd indoor season and at the end, shit hit the fan. I did not return for my 4th outdoor season after trying to make it work. I can not even describe how unhappy I was. And being in the position that I am, it still affects my life. My family members are the only ones who completely understand why I quit because the situation involves my family, but I can't describe how painful it is for people to tell me how great I am at it and that they think "I should really reconsider." I have my completely justified reasons and even after explaining the situation to them, they don't get it. I don't owe them an explanation but the way I get treated because of my choices hurts. Someone from the track team passes by and will say "Quitter" to me. I'm so upset that the entire situation had to happen and now I get to deal with the aftermath.

How do I explain all this to a college admissions office?

People tell me I'm liked. That they appreciate me. That I'm fabulous. It's really nice of them, but I don't think I can put "well liked" under school involvement. Do you put "great personality" under volunteer service or extracurricular? These are things I think I offer but not things I could easily show a college at a first glance. Who knows, maybe I could. I'd like to say I was an amazing student, but honestly I'm average at best. I worked extremely hard in some classes but feel short in others. I regret that and I don't know how a school will see that.

I didn't expect this to turn into a rapid fire rant but after the day I had, it feels nice. Feelings just kept coming up and I needed to get them out. A friend told me that reading my blog was almost like reading my Diary and in a sense, it is. I don't find the point of being dishonest with my feelings when I talk about experiences I've had. There is a way of being honest without having to tell every single detail. 

Until next time,

Lillie

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