Letter to My Past Self

Dear Lillie,

Firstly, I’d like to congratulate and thank you for getting this far. 

You’re currently an 18-year-old college student, which might surprise you depending on when you read this.  Secondly, I’d like to structure this letter to you in multiple parts, addressing you at different times in your life.  Without further ado, here it is.

To six year old Lillie,

Someone is going to call you fat during P.E. one day and it will have more of an impact on your life than you’d like it to, but it’s ok because you overcome it. 

The biggest lesson you learn is that people can be mean and hurtful (especially children, which has more to do with their parents than it does with them) and won’t always take the time to get to know you. My best advice is to be kind always and take the time to get to know other people. This would have helped a lot later on, but I can’t blame you. 

I would like to commend you on the way you express your personality. Looking back, I have a hard time identifying with the round little girl with headband accessorizing her middle parted hair and the L.L. Bean polo sets grandma and mom no doubt dressed you in, but I still identify with the joy and happiness in your expression and the passion you have for creativity. 

You rock who you are and nobody can fault you on that. Hold onto that, because being who you truly want to be will be a constant struggle because of other people’s influences. Stay true to who you are, even if you're not sure who that is yet.

To twelve year old Lillie,

You are a warrior. What you are going to endure at this age is amazing and looking back, I don’t know where you found the strength. You are going to be bullied, berated, made small, doubted, and you will have an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

Current you thanks you for hanging in there, because I know just how many days you didn’t want to. The next few years are going to be hard, but you will have highs to counter the lows in some aspect. You’ll find a lot of solace on the Internet where you finally feel apart of a community in some sense, although I’m sorry to say you won’t feel like that again until college, but my god is it worth the wait. Just hang in there. 

The best advice I could give you is to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with love and kindness. I know it’s hard not to believe that you are small and unworthy when people treat you that way, but the best feeling is proving them wrong and showing how significant and brilliant you really are, because you are absolutely radiant.

To fifteen year old Lillie,

Your life is a general roller coaster, but this time is really important. Congratulations for getting toxic people out of your life, because that concept will be a core idea in the way you live your life. You’ll understand so much more about yourself once you are set free by the restrictions of others, so this is a pretty awesome time in that sense. In another, you are going to feel so isolated and alone. The feeling will be constant and seemingly endless. 

The more you understand and value yourself, the more distance you feel with everyone else around you. That distance definitely shrinks, but to an extent will always be there. 

You become your own best friend and knowing who you are is a hell of a lot more important than how other people perceive you. I can’t lie, but this will be something you struggle with, pretty recently actually.  I know it can be frustrating when people perceive you in a way you don’t want to be perceived or differently from how you perceive yourself, but in the end it doesn’t actually matter what other people think. Just have your own back.

To seventeen year old Lillie,

The biggest lesson you will learn is that adults don’t have the answers you’re looking for, they don’t even have the answers to the questions you're not asking. You’ll develop what a school guidance counselor wants to call “issues with authority” when really you should be commended as a skeptic. Honestly, adults are just as fucking lost as you are most of the time. 

Politics are going to fight with you and the best thing you can do is perform your best and be happy and satisfied with your achievements. You won’t get the recognition you wanted or deserved, but honestly, as long as you know how badass you are, everyone else will see it. In the long run, a plaque and a handshake will be completely meaningless when you look back at your track career and the extreme character growth you achieved over the course of five years. It’s pretty astounding and will continue to blow you away. I really have to thank you for sticking with track, it will be one of the most rewarding things you do in college. Just in the first year, you will feel so loved and part of a group. You’ll finally get to experience so many things you dreamed about, and it’s awesome. 

Along with college, don’t stress about VCU. Deep down, you know it is a long shot, but I really commend you for setting a goal and going after it. Ending up at CNU will be a much better decision and you will fall in love the first time you step on campus. I know how much you wanted VCU, but what we want and what we need aren’t always the same thing.

To conclude this letter, I want to offer some advice to future Lillie:

To future Lillie,

Be fearless and be strong. I know you won’t be able to all the time, and that is ok, but I don’t want you to waste your life being afraid of acting or not acting. Don’t have regrets and don’t be afraid to act. The worst thing that can happen is that things don’t go as planned, but you will grow from it. The most painful experiences and mistakes are the most rewarding lessons to be learned. 

Continue to be kind to yourself, because you are worth it. Don’t fight with yourself as much as you do and recognize that there are things out of your control. 

Trust yourself and your abilities and take what people say about you with a grain of salt. Know who you are and own it.

You are good and you are worthy.

Sincerely,

Lillie

Age 18

Thank You for 2014, What’s Up 2015?

2014 was one of the best years of my so far, very short life. I turned 18 that year and for the first time, made real and true friends. 2014 was the year of the friends. The year is sort of a blur up until August 17th when I left home for college and since then, I have been the happiest I’ve ever been. There were many many points in my life where I felt I would never be this happy, times when I was so low that I didn’t think it was even possible for me to experience the joy I feel when I’m at school. 

I need to give credit to the time pre-CNU. I applied to schools this year, was rejected by VCUarts, but then contacted directly from the throwers coach at CNU when I was accepted into CNU, a place that is now my true home.

Once I chose to go to CNU, senior year became a blur of track meets and goals I needed to reach. I had my best performances in 2014 in all of my events. There are a few meets I remember in specific that really highlight my career as a track athlete. The first time I hit 120 was a stunning day at UVA and when I won Discus at Regionals really stand out to me. I qualified for Nationals, both indoor and outdoor, which was a goal of mine since I was a sophomore. I feel so much pride when  I wear my Nationals backpacks. 

I ended High School with middle fingers ablaze as I left. How the end of my season was treated by the high school track coaches left me with zero respect for either of them and the entire school as a whole. I never want to step foot into that high school again. I owe them nothing.

I spent my summer basically dreaming of CNU, I couldn’t wait to be there already.

My first semester of college went amazing. I made loads of fantastic friends that I can now call on for anything. This is something I never had in my life and honestly, its hard to see all the kids I went to high school with hang out with each other when my friends are in completely different parts of the state. But I go back home on the 3rd to start January camp the 4th and classes start the 7th. 

I killed my grades this semester. I ended with a 3.6 GPA and was on the deans list. For me, this matters so much because I never had these kinds of grades in high school. At times I was scared I wouldn’t be ok in college, maybe I was just stupid. But that GPA and all the work I put into it this past semester proves all those doubts wrong. 

I’m happy. Completely and utterly happy with my situation at CNU. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have goals for improvement (resolutions, you will), because 2014 was great, but 2015 can be better.

1. Run. I know this was on my list last year, but this time I’m dedicated to make it work. I’ll start out slow as many times as week as I can. I’m aiming for everyday in the mornings. It’s already scheduled in and I can make it work. My weight needs to be better and running will help me tremendously. 
2. Clean eating. Working with my diet by cutting out breads and processed foods will do wonders for me and I’m excited for that. I want to be strict with myself and use self control to be healthier and happier.
3. Blog more.
4. Finish re-reading the damn Harry Potter books.
5. Love myself more. I did a really good job in 2014 of being better to myself but I believe that needs to be continued
6. Be Fearless. This was a resolution last year and it is still something I need to work on. I get scared and I become afraid to do things. I still set myself to high standards and I'm really hard on myself when I don't meet my standards. I will work on being fearless and owning it. 

2015 will be the year of body positivity and self improvement. 

Europe in Photos: France

Part Duex of Lillie's excellent adventures in Europe.

Amiens: We took a bus to France and they didn't even check our passports. I understand this sort of thing is pretty lax in Europe. So I don't have a stamp for France (although I have one for Germany as I was in the country for only 4 hours) We stopped in Amiens! I ordered a sandwich in French (végétarien avec fromage), had my first kinder egg, and learned that there is more than one Notre Dame. The picture on the bottom middle is a *replica* of John the Baptist skull. They had in caged in so we thought it was the real thing; alas, twas not. The cathedral has these amazing floors all through out. Cathedrals are one of my favorite things about Europe. Speaking in general, Europe is probably my favorite place because of the history. Things that were hundreds of years older than my country are still around and still holding out their purpose. It's very surreal. We played Uno on the way there and on the way to Paris AND I WRECKED EVERYBODY.

 Paris: It's been a life-long dream to go to Paris. All this time I have thought that New York City was my city, but when I visited Paris everything felt right. Being in Paris made me feel like I was home. Cliche as it sounds, it's exactly how I felt. I didn't want to be anywhere but there. I call Paris the Golden City because everything is golden. The way the sunset hits the Sine is golden and beautiful. Paris wasn't all pastry and sunshine. It's actually scary at times. There are loads of sketchy people selling you things (they are harmless really) but it feels like you will mysteriously get taken or robbed. I felt like this most in Montmartre because there were people searching the crowd and waiting for prey. Montmartre was actually one of my favorite parts of the city. My favorite restaurant on the whole trip was there; I tried escargot and had the most heavenly dessert. Breakfast in Paris was probably the best overall, though Bruges had a lot working for it. Our hotel room had a leaking toilet. I notified someone about it before we left to explore the city for the first day, but when we got back the bathroom was completely flooded. Our hotel was less than a block away from this AMAZING place where we ordered banana and nutella crepes at least 3 times.

We visited Versailles one day, which has always been on my bucket list since I saw Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette. To be honest, the move gives you a much better view of the palace than the tour does. I felt claustrophobic and basically wanted to die the whole time. I was pushed and shoved by many a asian tourist during that time. Side note: if you know how to say Pardon, oui, non, Je suis végétarien, and excusez-moi, you are golden in french speaking nations as a tourist. You literally need to know nothing else.

 I knew a few phrases here and there and I can read key words, but I don't have very extensive french vocabulary.The photo on the top left corner is a rack of naughty french themed condoms. It because a very juvenile joke with my group to say "Eat my Baguette." I think we found them so hilarious because they were EVERYWHERE. I'm sure most of my classmates don't even know where to get condoms in America, so it was interesting to see them everywhere. We also saw a condom vending machine in Amiens. Holler at your safe sex practices France. Also, the photo in middle bottom is me. At Versailles. You can tell I was just overwhelmed with culture.

 

I don't drink. It's just never been something I wanted to partake in. But, when you are told the drinking  age is much lower in Europe and French wine is included in your dinner ON THE EIFFEL TOWER, you sure as hell want to partake in that. Alas, the group from my school was not allowed. A hilarious side note: the school group from California evidently got wasted on multiple occasions and their wack job, french teacher let them roam around Paris ALONE while intoxicated. Class act. So, because we were not allowed wine, we got free drinks. I grew particularly fond of European Fanta, it's kind of the best stuff ever. It's the drink below. The meal at the Eiffel tower was pretty good, but not exactly remarkable. They did have excellent mashed potatoes and the dessert was the best part.  I can't believe I missed the best part of this experience though. It deserves it's own paragraph.

Earlier in the day, we had spent a few hours in the Louvre. It was the only thing on the schedule for the day for the entire group. We were then able to split off and do our own thing. Because none of the other groups wanted the tour guide we got Mariam. She had to take someone back to the hotel room, so we were instructed to go across the bridge to the Musee D'orsay, which was on our list of things we wanted to do. Once we got there we realized that we had to pay to go to the Museum and we didn't want to rush through, so my group and I walked around to some shops, found a free war museum, and waited till our guide was going to meet up with us. We waited for over an hour for the guide at the front of the Musee D'orsay. Our guide NEVER CAME. We tried to call her but she never answered. So, my teacher had to figure out how to get to the Champs Elysees on a bus. It was hectic, and we eventually got there but we had very limited time because we had to get back to our hotel at a certain time 

 

Being able to visit France was amazing. Every second, I felt myself falling in love with the this gorgeous, golden city of Paris. Hopefully I will be able to recount another adventure in Paris soon.

HOW TO: Take over Europe 2013

In lieu of taking photos during my trip, I took mosty videos with a flip camera and a point-and-shoot canon. Now that I no longer have the photos I did take with my phone (they were backed up on the hard drive that crashed), I appreciate the footage I captured of some of my favorite places while there. This is my first travel video, and I know it's rough but I they will get better with time. Also, the song is Sleep Alone by Two Door Cinema Club.

Enjoy.

Europe in Photos: Belgium

How dare I have the audacity to go to Europe and not share photos from my trip on my blog.

In short: it was f*ckng great.

The trip consisted of two days in Belgium, three days in France, and two days in Switzerland. I got sick, spoke french, and ate ungodly sums of french bread. The only thing I would have changed about my trip was its length. So now, straight from my iPhone, is a collection of photos of things, people, and food. Along with them, loads of excellent stories. 

Belgium

To be honest, I didn't think I'd like Belgium much. The group hit the ground running after a 7 hour flight from DC to Brussels. I'm pretty sure first thing I did there was have a Belgian wafel (heaven), Belgian frites, and get yelled at in french to push in a chair (lucky to have known what "Chaise" means.) I saw the peeing baby of Brussels (truly iconic) and visited my first European cathedral (St. Michael and St. Gudula) The cathedral had a really cool front area, but all the trees where painted white. Overall, rockin place though, it is slightly hard to appreciate fully due to extreme jet lag. 

Bruges was a different story. I had actually never watched the movie with Colin Ferall before going to Bruges, but let me quote Ralph Fiennes in saying that "It's a f*cking fairy tale." I had never been to a canal city before. Bruges was simply amazing, except for the fact that I was sick one of the days with dehydration and a killer fever. It eventually broke but it took a few days to feel myself again. The main square of Bruges is just awesome, we spent a lot of time there. I don't have too many ridiculous stories from Bruges besides my friends taking a loose brick from the streets for me when I was sick in the hotel room. We also took a canal tour where our guide was hilarious "That building is used for retired politicians. Retired, not retarded."Bruges was just this place that almost didn't feel real. There were horse rides and a ridiculous amount of history. Loved it.

What It's Like for Me

I thought I would take this opportunity while I have it because I am currently (like right now) rolling down a hill.

That's what it feels like to me. One minute I'm fine, then slowly I feel myself fall and tumble. I can tell right before I trip because I lose my temper, I become violent. I throw and break things. Then I lash out at myself. This usually involves crying while my hands scratch or pull at my body as a form of punishment. The truth is I blame myself far too often. My chest tightens while I gasp for air. This is when I start having a panic attack. My breaths are short and I try to calm my crying. My whole chest is heavy like someone is sitting on it. At this time, I avoid thinking about things. I distract myself with a book or my phone: anything that stops me from thinking. I wrap myself in blankets and avoid looking at my room. My room is a mess and the chaos amplifies the stress. I'd clean it, but I get overwhelmed and shut down.

I do that a lot, shutdown. It is my coping mechanism. When I can't handle the world around me, I shut it out and engulf myself into my own mind. If you find me zoning out or looking blankly into space, this is probably what I'm doing. I won't do school work because I can't physically get my homework out and even when I do, I can't concentrate on it.

It doesn't hurt all the time. I'm not always rolling down a hill. Frequently, I am a very happy person who is talkative, excited, and funny. But there is always this threat that I'm not quite at the top of the hill. In fact, I just pause until I fall again. 

I've always joked that I'm my own worst critic and my parents know that, but I don't think they fully understand to the extend. Really, my parents treat my depression like it's a phase. Like I feel bad for myself for a moment, but I'll get over it. I've spent my entire life trying to "get over it" but alas, here I am. It is really difficult opening up to them because whenever I have, it's usually brushed off as me "overreacting" or being "paranoid." The same thing happened when tried to explain my Dermatillomania. So now, I silently roll. 

So what pushed me down the hill today?

My college art portfolio is due in a few weeks. The school I'm applying to is super competitive and I honestly think I won't get it. But, I already sent in my application and there is no turning back. Like I said before, I am my own worst critic and I don't have a huge body of work to choose from, so I've been extra critical of myself. I've been trying to make art but I get frustrated because I can't do it. for various reasons. I'm not a very good painter and I really can't draw worth a shit. I've been forcing myself to do things because I have this idea of what the college wants and I know I'm not it, so I've been trying to mold myself into the idea. I honestly wanted to share this story with them and maybe they'd understand why my grades aren't what they should be or why my art isn't as good as it could be, but doing that makes me feel they would perceive me as weak and too unstable. I over analyze this to death, if you couldn't tell.

I stopped for a moment and looked at my blog as a whole. I've spent hours working on it's design, which is simple but, is something I did by myself and I am proud of. I checked out the My Photography tab and remembered why I wanted to apply to this school in the first place: because I am good at what I do. I am a photographer, not a painter or illustrator, but a person who captures time at the best moments. I compare myself to other people too often and I forget how quality of a person I am. 

I'm not 100% better, and I probably won't be for a long time but as long as I have the things that distract me (my photography, books, this blog), I think I'll be ok.

My mission from the start has always been to be truthful and share experience when possible. The contents of this post is part of who I am, and if one person can relate and feel comfort that they are not the only one, I have succeeded.

xo

What I Want to Accomplish in 2014

Sounds a bit better than "resolutions." Everyone does "resolutions." The difference between what everyone else does and what I do, is that I'm going to stick it out. This is what I'm going to do in 2014

1. Write on my blog twice a month (at least)

I love my blog and if I ever want it to take off, I need to keep writing and have a consistant flow of posts. I want to post more pictures. This leads into the next one. . .

2. Take more photos

I love my camera! Photography is such an important part of my life that I don't do as often as I would like. I plan on doing a few monthly challenges like take a photo for an entire month. I worry too much about the content of my photography or that I don't have suitable subjects, but what I will learn is that I just need to show the world from my perspective. That means, I 'm buying a tripod. Today, hopefully.

3. Run

I hate running. My little legs and chubby thighs think it is murderous. But I'm going to start out slow then build my way up. I do about a 12 minute mile on the track and I'd like to get that down to 7 minutes. Also, there is a Color Run in Richmond in September. I've always wanted to do a color run and I'm setting that as my goal to reach. Hopefully, if I get into VCU, I'll already be there and maybe have some friends who will do it with me. Im going to be healthy this year, so becoming Vegan on top of running, I'll end up a skinny little bitch.

4. Be Kind to Myself

I've been an emotional wreck the past few months. I've had such a hard time with college applications: it's been a swirl of self doubt. The past few weeks have been some of the worst and a lot of faith in myself has been lost. 2014 is going to be a year where I remind myself that I am lovely, beautiful, fabulous, and all the other things that describe me. I'm searching for things I can do to help with more self love, I'l make a post about what it is when ever I find it.

5. Be Fearless

My personal mantra is "Fine, Fresh, and Fierce" but I don't believe I always embody it. This year, I want to focus on just "doing"things. Experimenting with fashion, art, and writing without give a shit. I put myself up to high standards and I'm always worried that the things I create or do won't meet them. This year, I'm letting go and running free.

Best of luck with the New Year <3

Saturday in Town

Saturday in Town by lumoslillie featuring a blue purse

White pullover
target.com

H&M boyfriend jeans
$49 - hm.com

Merona flat shoes
target.com

Modalu blue purse
$320 - johnlewis.com

Betsey Johnson earrings
betseyjohnson.com

What's Up and Coming

Being a middle class white girl, there have always been some level of expectations for me. I do have to say that I am one of the lucky ones to have the kind of parents I do. They have always encouraged me to make my own choices, make my own mistakes, and decided for myself what makes me happy. I am 17 years old and have always imagined myself going to college. Once my sister left for college, I couldn't wait to have the same experiences in my own college community. I imagined myself walking along the sides walks with the ancient brownstone university buildings as my backdrop. I anticipated dorm life and making friends based off of common interest. But now. . . I am not so sure.
It is entirely unrealistic for anyone, especially the education system, to give teenagers the idea that they must know what they want to do with their lives at 17, 18. This is what they expect from us:
Think of profession you are interested in> go to college to major in chosen profession> get a job in chosen profession when you graduate> live your live with in this profession that you spent 4+ years majoring in.
I don't know about you, but if this suppose to be my life plan I'd sooner die.
It wasn't until a week ago that it even occurred to me that I never have to go to a college or university. The mere thought had never even been considered. (Talk about American education brainwash) This moment of clarity was brought on by a large break down caused by stress from grades and school. I was on my way to track practice, but my sobbing was so overwhelming that I pulled into a church parking lot. After crying for another 15 minutes, I noticed this truck pull up in the field next to the church. I didn't really pay much attention to it until I heard a leaf blower like noise. I pulled my car around to have a better look and I saw a man getting his parasailing equipment up. I watched, mesmerized, for 20 minutes at the man who eventually got up into the air. And what I realized as I watched the parasailer was that he was doing something completely for himself and his own happiness. He didn't major in parasailing and I doubted this was his actual profession. He was doing something for his own personal benefit, something he took time to do because it was for him.
Maybe it was some sign from God, but as a parked in that churches parking lot, watching the parasailer, I felt better. Aleavedated. I talked to my parents that afternoon and they agreed that I could do what I wanted and that college was not my only choice. Honestly, I'm lucky to have parents that supportive.

So college might not be my thing, what is?
 I made a list of things I want to do, and not going to college wouldn't stop me to do those things

• Get a job downtown
• Learn French
• Travel Europe
• Write a blog
• Write a book
• Have an online store
• Studies things I am actually interested in
• Learn how to cook and bake
• Learn how to use Photoshop
• Actually create art
• Take more photos

These are things I've always wanted to do but never had the time and going to college wouldn't help it financially.  It won't be easy but at least I'd be living the way I'd want. There is so much stigma to go to college. i mentioned the idea of not going to college to a friend and they thought I was crazy. "Lillie is talking about not going to college!"

It hurt but it made me feel the full extent of peoples expectations. Yeah, overall I might not get as much money through out my life without a college degree, but I'm not saying I'll never go. Right now, I just believe I don't need a college degree and 100k in debt to do what I want with my life.

This blog will be active because it's something I want. I'm tired of doing and making this to impress a college. I want to do things for myself. Starting now.

working on it.

I have a 143 days till I have to apply to my dream college, with a art portfolio that includes 12-16 pieces of original artwork showing my talent, ability, and amount of potential. So far, I have 1 piece. It is a picture of myself I drew. It can only go up from here.

After recent grade reports as well as ap exam score, the fire as been well lit under my ass to get into college. And not just any college but quite literally my one and only. I mean, it's my only choice and its top compared to any other I've seen. The thing is, it's a rather competitive school to get into and my grades don't exactly inspire. So, I'm riding on all the extracurriculars, awards, and excellent recommendations. As well as a stellar and kick ass art portfolio. I've been going in the right direction as far as planning my portfolio out, taking art classes at the community college, and making sure all the specifics are covered. The only thing I'm missing now are some supplies and the right time. 

The right time for what? Is this just a veil to cover up that I'm are a procrastinating bitch? Maybe. I'm considering getting "don't put off tomorrow what you can do today" on my arm as a constant reminded to better myself along with "less is more" and "tights are not pants." 

Today, a family friend stopped over and I asked her about what her and her daughters experience was for getting into this school. The main message she told me was to do what you know and do the best you can. You can't make this school accept you, just put your best work out there with confidence and let everything else fall in place. I found this to be what I needed to hear; all I do is stress as to whether or not this school will except me because I have no idea and that uncertainty scares me. There is nothing more I can do but show them work I'm proud of and be my true self. I'm not competing against every other potential art student when I'm creating pieces, I'm not even competing against myself, I'm simply putting myself out there.

Until next time,
Lillie
x

{5/12} The Update: More like the up-LATE

It's almost the end of my Junior year, which means a lot of things.

• For starters, I have my AP Us History exam on Wednesday. I need to score at least a 3 to get actual college credit, so that's sort of a big deal.
• I'm nearing the start of post season for track. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that I came back. Well I'm back and going strong. It was the right decision to have left when i did and it was the right decision to come back. I've improved so much this year, region qualifying on Friday. My goal is to place in states. 
• I have my first Prom night on the 25th. my dress is fantastic (and so was the price.) I have no definite plans for the night, but the group I'm going with will figure out something. It's important to not make the Prom into anything that it's not. Basically, it's a night where I can get into a dress and dance my ass off. Anything after that is just a bonus.
• SAT on the June 1st. I'm sure I'll retake this but I'm pretty confident. I scored fairly well on my PSAT and that was with minimal studying, so I picked up an SAT book from the Mercy House. I'll start studying after the APUSH exam. This test is a very important part of getting into college. Yay.
• June 7th, I will no longer be an underclassman. And that is when I start my year long video project, documenting my senior year of high school. With this project, I will make a video a week just about my life.
• The Yearbook has to be finished. Oh Lord.
• A piece of really excited news that I was going to talk about originally is that I leave for Belgium, France, and Switzerland on June 10th for 9 days. Going over-seas is a dream of mine, especially going to Paris (as the readers of my blog would know.) Basically, my parents kick major ass. Their will be so many pictures and travel journals I'll post after the trip.
• A few days after I get back into the country, I'll be heading to Branson, Missouri for this extended family gathering of sorts. Basically, I get to stay in this nice lodge for a week, reading, updating my blog, and hanging in my eno. It should be a nice, relaxing time. Plus, this lodge they're renting is pretty big, meaning plenty of places for me to hide. :)

Though I feel I'll be relieved that the end of this school year will come to a close, I know it's just the beginning. 

Until next time,

Lillie

x

Favorites of the Week {4/14}

I'm not so good with "Lets do something everyday!" I can hardly have a consistent bedtime let alone update a blog everyday, or at this point every week. To make up for this I have some really awesome favorites of the week to share as well as an update/checking in post that will be up tomorrow.

Favorites for the week of April 14th:

37 People Who Are Worse At Cooking Than You: My sister posted this on facebook and I nearly pissed myself. Three pictures in and I was dying. What's really hilarious about these food fails is that most of these are things seen on pintrest or something like #1 with the rainbow cake jars. You tried.

Gollum covers Taylor Swift: I follow 473 blogs on Tumblr, meaning the BEST THINGS show up on my dash on a regular basis. The title really explains it all. You'll be singing along by the end. 

Infographic- Get More out of Google: Google is ma search engine. I don't deal with Yahoo or god forbid Bing. SO I was surprised all the ways I can improve me search. This infographic is visually interesting as well as being very informative. I'm sure this will help me next year when I have loads of papers to write.

Brooklyn Craigslist Ad Offers the Complete Girls Living Experience: I know being 16 doesn't make me the target age for HBO's Girls but I love the show immensely. 

18 Microwave Snacks You can Cook in a Mug: I'm so lazy. I'm soooo lazy. I'm the kind of the person who will take the time to boil water and make pasta but won't make the sauce. This happened yesterday. So the possibility of making DESSERTS in a MUG in the MICROWAVE is the THE COOLEST THING EVER. Will you make me one?

Same Love feat Mary Lambert- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis: After listing to Thrift Shop 54 times, I ventured through their album The Heist and I really like it. This song has been on repeat for awhile because it is such a beautiful as well as having a great message. Really amazing music video as well.

39 People With Watercolor Paintings Tattooed To Their Bodies: Another one from from Buzzfeed (because I'm obsessed with the website) Watercolor tattoos are sort of mind-blowing. I understand how other tattoos work, but with watercolor ones, the design is just so beautiful. I would certainly get one of these. It's such a unique was of displaying art on your body.

Music Videos Without Music- Thirft Shop: Another internet gem. Thank you CollegeHumor.

My Canon 50mm 1.8  lens: I had a photo shoot/ senior portraits of sorts with one of my best friends yesterday and the pictures turned out excellent. He needed some legit head shots so the lens really helped get great pictures that were solely focused on him. I found the lens on Best Buy online for $108 so we went into the store and they honored the online price, SCORE!

I'm really excited to do more photo shoots with people to build up my portfolio so I'm currently doing free sessions for people I know to get more experience. Hopefully, I will also have some portrait pictures to use for portfolio when I apply to college.

I'm sure I'll share many shoots on my blog is my lovely subjects allow (Thanks Tyler!)

Until next time,

Lillie

x

BEDA #4 Puppy Girls

Today, my Dad took our two, 14 year old dogs to put them down. Honestly, we are very lucky to have had them this long. They are Shepard-Lab mixes and they usually don't live very long. And these too dogs were especially lucky to be alive this long.

 Lucky was the extra dog we got, so that's why she has her name. He named became really ironic because this dog was lucky to be alive. She has hit a car, broken her leg, and other miscellaneous accidents. Bless her heart.

Our other is Brooke, who was named after Brooke Shields because she had more brown on he face like having voluptuous eyebrows.

I knew that this was coming. Lucky has had a tumor growing for probably a month or two and Brooke's joints have really deteriorated to the point where she could hardly get around. It was their time. Dad is on Spring Break so he took them on some walks, feed them a can of food each, and a whole box of Milkbone bones. They did not eat all the bones as that was quite a large box, but he wanted to make sure they would not be hungry. 

It's been rough and even though we knew this day was approaching, you're never ready for the impact. I write this through tears but I fight to finish because they deserve this. They lived a good 14 and a half years and I regret we didn't make it better. I will miss hearing barking in the back yard and seeing them through the kitchen window in the mornings. I will always expect them to come out of their houses to greet me when I walk out the back door. 

They will be missed.

Brooke is on the left and Lucky is on the right

Lucky

Brooke

Until next time,

Lillie

x

*all photos are mine*

BEDA #2-3 Oops... & Pottery!

Unlike my rather rant-y and honest first BEDA post, my other ones should be less like that. 

Somes days just aren't ment for blogging. Yesterday was, obviously, one of those days. It was crazy and horrible until I went to pottery. I just had my 4th time in the Pottery studio at the local community college and it's one of my favourite things. 

• Firstly, I am the youngest in the class by at least 15 years. 
• Secondly, I'm picking it up really quickly.
• Thirdly, you can think of nothing else besides trying to center your clay on the wheel. So it's a great thought distraction.

When I have finished pieces, I will certainly post some pictures of them. There is also a summer session I plan on taking to create higher quality pieces for my art portfolio. The instructor even told me that we can work on hand building to create nicer 3D pieces. 

Also, I redownloaded Spotify. I've been listening to a lot of Imagine Dragons and Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis. I shamelessly sing to Thrift Shop and the soundtrack to Les Mis.

Until next time, 

Lillie

x

BEDA #1: Adding to the Pile

I'm not positive as to what has happened to my time. Last thing I remember is going to football games in October. Now it's April and I'm FREAKING THE HELL OUT. 

Before now, I had time to do everything, but as of today I have 49 days left of my junior year. Within theses 49 days, the list of things I must accomplish is practically infinite. It feels like my entire future is riding on these next 49 days because I have to plan my summer to prepare me to get into college. Taking the SAT, APUSH exam, SOL testing, and making my time line for summer are just some of the wonderful things I have to accomplish along with having to help finish the yearbook, sign up for as many art classes as I can, get a job, plan for next years yearbook. 

I think my biggest fear is not getting into my college because I know no other place I want to go. I want to have so much faith in the work I produce, but I don't because I feel like I don't produce enough. Do I really have talent? Am I cut out to do what I want to do? I'm scared that my school of choice won't want me or not see potential. And what may scare me the most is that they'll see the lack of faith I have in myself. 

I will be applying to the top public art school in the country. I only took Art 1 my freshman year and didn't continue because I really didn't like the teacher. I can't tell if I regret that now. Instead of taking art, I took Speech class and creative writing. At this point, I can only see those things as time taken away from doing art but I have to pull back. I don't know if those art classes would have benefited me. I don't know if I would have been happy.

Another thing that scares me is this "lack of consistency" in activities. When I write it all down, I guess there are a lot of activities and extracurricular I was involved in, maybe more than others. But I never was super super involved in things. I was never a leader in a club nor have I had an activity that I've been involved in all 4 years of high school. I've dropped out and quit so many things and I'm so afraid that a school is only going to see me as a quitter. I always feel like I should have stayed in something, found my niche and I guess with yearbook I have. I just don't think I can adequately express whats happened with all these things.

I competed at State Level public speaking my freshman year. A huge deal. My sophomore year, I go to do it again, but the day before Districts my partners creates this elaborate and extremely hurtful lie so she couldn't go compete. I did not get to compete. Junior year I planned on doing a solo event, but quit for track.

I've done outdoor track since 8th grade. I just finished my 3rd indoor season and at the end, shit hit the fan. I did not return for my 4th outdoor season after trying to make it work. I can not even describe how unhappy I was. And being in the position that I am, it still affects my life. My family members are the only ones who completely understand why I quit because the situation involves my family, but I can't describe how painful it is for people to tell me how great I am at it and that they think "I should really reconsider." I have my completely justified reasons and even after explaining the situation to them, they don't get it. I don't owe them an explanation but the way I get treated because of my choices hurts. Someone from the track team passes by and will say "Quitter" to me. I'm so upset that the entire situation had to happen and now I get to deal with the aftermath.

How do I explain all this to a college admissions office?

People tell me I'm liked. That they appreciate me. That I'm fabulous. It's really nice of them, but I don't think I can put "well liked" under school involvement. Do you put "great personality" under volunteer service or extracurricular? These are things I think I offer but not things I could easily show a college at a first glance. Who knows, maybe I could. I'd like to say I was an amazing student, but honestly I'm average at best. I worked extremely hard in some classes but feel short in others. I regret that and I don't know how a school will see that.

I didn't expect this to turn into a rapid fire rant but after the day I had, it feels nice. Feelings just kept coming up and I needed to get them out. A friend told me that reading my blog was almost like reading my Diary and in a sense, it is. I don't find the point of being dishonest with my feelings when I talk about experiences I've had. There is a way of being honest without having to tell every single detail. 

Until next time,

Lillie

x

Favorites of the Week {3/29}

Here are some of my favorite things for the week of March 29th:

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SAY NO: I've been a huge fan of HayleyGHoover for years. I mean, she is the reason I streaked my hair with pink the summer after 8th grade. But with all the shit that has been going on with the Steubenville trial, I love that youtubers are speaking about it and providing information for viewers. Youtubers have an interesting relationship with an audience that is much different than a television show. It is personally produced material, so whatever they want to talk about they can. They also have great communication with their audience. That being said, Youtubers have a lot of power to influence and educate, which is a really wonderful thing considering how censored things have become in schools and how screwed up things are shown in the media. Hayley makes her points clear and understandable with no confusion. If it's not a yes, it's a no.

14 Shopping Problems That Totally Stress Us Out (GIFS): I hate shopping for clothes. It gives me a headache and low self esteem for the rest of the day. So here are 14 problems by the Huffington post with gifs to express the horrors of shopping which I can totally relate to. It's hilarious that I want to be a fashion blogger of sorts and yet I hate clothes shopping. I haven't been in the best mind set when ever I go shopping. I'll need to fix that soon.

Icona Pop - I Love It (feat. Charli XCX): First heard this song on the HBO series "Girls"( highly recommend) This song is just so much fun to listen to. This would be a really awesome workout song. I LOVE IT.

"Where is Matt Damon": This is a link I found on CollegeFashion but I had to share this. Basically, Erin Faulk found Matt Damon in morocco by asking people "Where is Matt Damon?" She recounts this story on twitter during the snow storm. It's excellent. Read the whole thing. 

The End- Ep. 100 of The Lizzie Bennet Diaries: It's sad to see this project come to an end, but it was certainly amazing while it was going on. I came in at episode 80 (caught up in two days) and has been watching it religiously since. If you are just now hearing about the Lizzie Bennet Diaries (where have you been?), here is the link to the entire playlist to watch from the beginning.

Actresses Without Teeth: I can't even. This Tumblr wins.

33 Unusual Tips to Being a Better Writer: From Though Catalog. As a blogger who wants to expand their blog, these tips are very helpful. Luckily, I'm in the early stages of my blog so I have time to find my blogging voice. I try very hard in every post to not over use "amazing", "exciting", "absolutely", or anything that is me blatantly stating my opinion like "I think" or "I feel." It's obvious that's what I think, it's my blog. I also need to use I less and less. Most of the best blogs do this very well. I'm working on it.

Downton Abbey: I've know about this show for awhile and I got the chance to watch it over Spring Break. I just started season two and the story has completely engulfed me. The characters are wonderful, Maggie Smith is fabulous of course, and sweet jesus Matthew Crowley is smokin'. If you are in need of good British television until Doctor Who, Sherlock, and My Mad Fat Diary comes back, starting watching it.

Life with the Hijab: Found this on Tumblr and reblogged it immediately. People assume that women who choose to wear a Hijab are oppressed but these women are fantastic examples that they are strong and independent.

International Geek Girl Pen Pals Club: I already have a post talking about this but I wanted to put it on my favorites anyway. I've always wanted a pen pal and tried to get one through tumblr but it was too sketch for me. Plus, it could be hard to tell someone no if you really didn't want to correspond with them. Through IGGPPC, I feel it safer in a way because other girls just like me are looking for the same thing. I will be getting my pen pal match up next week and I already have postcards to send to her, who ever she is! Hopefully we are the same age or close and maybe they'll be from abroad. Either way it will be an exciting experience.

Until next time,

Lillie

x

Why Today is Awesome

I don't like making new years resolutions because I literally forget about them the next week. If I want to insight change in my life, I should just go ahead and do it not wait till a "New Year." This year I made a decision. To become more positive and have a better look out on life, I've kept a list on my phone and every day I write why that day was awesome. I thought about keeping it in a real journal or a moleskin but I knew that the idea would have died a week later. I originally got the idea from TheFiveAwesomeGirls on Youtube. Some of the girls (Kayley) have also talked about how they've kept why today is awesome journal a few years now. So I have mine in Notes on my iPhone and everyday I worry that I will delete it by accident but it's nice to just scroll up the list and see what positive things I could pull from my day. The past month and a half has been very stressful and hard on me personally, and I know there were days when I found it really hard to find something good at the end of the day but I did. So I would like to share a few of my days:

January 8th: Having fried ice cream, just because.

-I was with my Dad at our favorite Mexican restaurant and he decided to order fried ice cream (which is amazing if you've never had it) It's just those little things.

January 21st: The possibility of snow!

- I can tell when I found it hard to find something for that day but it's something positive none the less.

January 26th: Reading again

-With being in my Junior year of High School, I find it so hard to find time to read for fun. I'm pretty sure this was when I read The Name of the Stars. I practically read that book in a day.

February 9th: Time Cafe

-This was my AMAZING experience at this cafe in Astoria. Some of the best
 food I've ever had. Read my Saturday in New York blog post that includes my reaction to it right after I came home.

February 21st: #3B cupcakes

-I take AP US history and at my school, normal classes last about an hour and a half but with APUSH, it is an year long class but is only 45 minutes long each day. There are two groups, 3A and 3B, that split the block time. It is common knowledge that our teacher hates the class before ours (3A) so one day before a test, I brought in cupcakes that had things like "3A SUCKS" "3B SWAG" and other infamous phrases our class says. My cupcakes are amazing and everyone loved them. It was a good day.

February 25th: Mud Mask and bath

- If I've had a day where I was all "I'm done with this bullshit" That was February 25th. I put on a mud mask and layed in the bath tub while I tried to forget that people suck. Treat yo' self.

March 1st: Easy A

When in doubt, watch a movie that has Emma Stone in it. Love her. Love this movie. Nice way to spend a night in.

March 9th: The Everything

-I had a really great day with my mom. I bought a lot of exciting books, ate macarons for the first time, looked around for local art classes, and had an awesome lunch. It was just a really awesome day with her because we don't always get to spend much time together.

March 11th: Relief

-I quit track after almost 4 years. It's been a hard decision until recently where it has just caused so much emotion stress in my life. It has made me so unhappy. I quit for myself and I only see that as a good thing. Just so many events lead up to my decision, it was nice to know that it was all over. I did something for myself.

March 26th: Pottery

-In efforts to build up a portfolio for the art school I wish to attend, my mom signed me up for a pottery class. I just had my 3rd class, but that day, my instructor wasn't there so I stayed for 3 hours working and making new pieces. I'm really loving it and I want to continue making pottery after this.

Until next time

Lillie

x

ps. Thanks to International Geek Girls Pen Pal Club for reblogging my blog post about them on Tumblr. It means a lot. :)